


Slip Sliding Away

by randers1



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:54:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 37,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23737177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randers1/pseuds/randers1
Summary: Hailey's arc as she begins 7x7 hrough the rest of the season and slightly forward. Some liberties have been taken with scenes.
Relationships: Jay Halstead & Hailey Upton, Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton
Comments: 30
Kudos: 88





	1. Cameron

**Author's Note:**

> No beta, no ownership over the characters. The only thing that's mine are the errors.

In a way, things both began and ended with Cameron Barlow. She’d flipped him when he was 18 and worked with him on and off for years. God, he’d only been 18. How old had she been? So young. They started together. _I can handle him,_ she’d told Voight. She always had. He was her first informant, she was his first handler. She’d helped smooth him out a bit, groomed him, made him strong and confident, then cocky, and lovably arrogant. He made a living doing what she’d taught him, walking the path she’d put him on. She knew he was full of shit more often than he wasn't, but there were times his intel was worthwhile.

She’d called him in for this, and he’d died for it. _Cameron forgot which way was up_ was what Jay told her. No. She had. She knew how Cameron operated and she’d let him slide. She’d seen his enthusiasm and overlooked his recklessness. He’d do whatever it took to get the job done. His word was his reputation. She knew it and she’d ignored it. For him to come to the district was a bold move—one he’d never made before. He knew better. She’d been annoyed that he’d burned himself. He’d be deemed unreliable going forward. His jobs would dry up. _We’re done_ , she’d told him. If she had stopped for a moment, looked at him, she’d have seen his face, she’d have seen how she was taking away everything she had ever given him. She would've known he wouldn't accept that.

Cam had given her Book Barr, had done his job but wouldn’t let it go. He’d saved her during the rip, injected her with the narcan she wasn’t even thinking of for herself. And then she’d brushed him off, told him to stand down but not in a decisive way. Not in a way that he would listen to. _He loves the chase more than we do._ As though she didn’t know him at all.

Sitting in the van with Jay her phone buzzed. It had been going off periodically but they were setting up the eye and all of the equipment that went along with it. Anyone on the team would have simply radioed so she’d let it go. Until now. She pulled it out and saw Cam’s number. 10 missed calls. “You gotta be kidding me.” She groaned, aggravated. At Jay’s curious look she held up the phone, showing him.

 _“_ I thought you kicked him, _”_ he asked, surprised.

 _“_ I did _._ _”_ Wait, did she?

It didn’t really matter because later that day he was dead. She’d texted him to schedule a meet, leaving Jay toward the end of their job to finish up alone. Hailey pulled up at their agreed upon spot and within a minute, her passenger side door was open with Cam leaning in.

“I wasn’t playing with you man.” she’d said.

He started fast as he always did, something about Darius and then the inside of his chest was sprayed over the interior of her car, all over her face.

 _He loves the chase more than we do._ He’d kept up the chase. She should have known that he would.

Adrenaline had done it's job, kicking it and she’d been able to run and take down the shooter, handing him off to patrol. They were in her district so they’d bring him over to the 21st and process him there. As she stood on the sidewalk she felt her adrenaline wind down and her emotions were coming back now, hard. She felt them all--She was angry, she was sad, she was scared, she was ashamed. She was all over the place. She stood and watched the paramedics pull a covering over Cam’s body and face before pushing the gurney back toward the ambulance. Hailey took a few steps toward her car. The smell of the blood hung heavy, even from there, and the blood on her seats and all around the ground under the door, were already turning an ugly brown.

“Hailey.”

She heard a soft voice say her name and turned to see Jay.

“Uhh, hey,” she stammered out, her brain clouded and foggy with anything but seeing that image of her car.

He put his hand on her shoulder. “You ok?” Her face was still both speckled and smeared with blood. She’d been with patrol while the paramedics took care of Cameron. She hadn’t thought to ask for wipes. Her face was becoming tight and sticky where his blood was drying.

“Umm,” she swallowed thickly.. “Yeah.” Then, “I’m good.”

“C’mon.” he started to guide her the few feet to where he’d parked.

“What—what are you doing here?” she asked.

“I heard you over the radio. Glad I did—“ He stopped her at the door to his truck, opening it so she could climb in. He wanted to touch her face, check her, reassure himself that none of that blood was hers. But he stepped back and closed the door, glancing back at her car. The tow truck was pulling up, getting ready to take it in for evidence and further investigation should it be needed. He could see the blood drenched door, still opened, and the bloody pavement underneath. Hailey had maybe been 2 feet from that bullet. He couldn’t let his mind go there, willed it not to, they were always close to bullets. But this. This just seemed _so close_. He clenched his jaw and walked around to the driver’s side. They rode back to the district in silence, Jay keeping a side eye on Hailey and trying not to play what if, and Hailey, blindly staring straight ahead as the last 5 seconds of Cam’s life played out in her mind over and over.

Jay stopped the car in the lot and turned off the engine. Hailey roused herself from the sudden stop.

“Hailey,” he began, wanting to get at least one thing transferred from his mind to his mouth.

“I’m okay, Jay.” she was quick with the response.

“Yeah, I know,” he said just as quick. She was always ‘okay’ just like he always believed her when she said she was. He turned toward her in his seat. “But—listen, today was…” He sighed. Shit, why was this always so hard for him? “Seeing what you saw today, knowing him….I’m just saying I get it. If you need anyone…if you need me…you know I’m here.”

Hailey had turned, listening to him. And she heard him. Her heart heard him. He’d seen this in Afghanistan, knew what it was like to have the person next to you go down while you simply stayed in place, all emotions being sucked into something very far away but then rushing back you at full force, all screaming for a turn.

She gave him a quick, tight-lipped smile as her eyes softened at him. Jay and his heart, always wanting to help. “Thank you.” She gave a short nod and left it at that. They walked toward the district, both ignoring the looks of _what the hell?_ the other officers gave as they passed by.

Trudy knew about the shooting from the radio chatter, then heard the passing-by murmurings of “ _Did you see that shit?” “Whaddya think, brains or just blood?” “20 bucks says both”_ before the two walked up the few steps and entered the building. “Detectives,” she called out. Jay’s head turned toward her and he guided Hailey that way. “I’m sure I don’t need to tell you this but coming in here covered in that is not your smartest decision.”

“Yeah, we get it Trudy. On our way up now.” Jay told her.

Hailey simply stood there before finding her voice. “He here yet?” she asked, referencing the shooter.

“Not yet. On the way in though. I’ll let you know.” Trudy told her, kindly. “Now go.”

They made their way up to the bullpen, passing Kevin and Adam on the way to the locker room. Both of whom had heard but now saw. They each gave Jay a concerned look which Jay mildly shrugged at. He didn’t know how she was doing. Not yet.

Hailey pulled her bag of extra clothes to the floor from her locker as Jay stood close by, arms crossed across his chest as he leaned against a wall. “You don’t need to stay with me, Jay. I’m just gonna change, clean up.” She was comforted by his presence but it was hard to be grab an emotion with him around. She wanted to be angry. Needed to be. Needed to feel it. But the feelings were hitting her and bouncing off, she couldn't hold on to any of them. Maybe alone she could grab it and hold on tight.

“K,” he leaned forward. He went to the door and turned around to give one more check, maybe while she wasn’t looking. But her eyes were right on him as she gave a quick “it’s all good’ smile. Maybe later he’d catch her at home. Yeah. That’s what he’d do. He walked out heading to his desk to start filling out his report.

Hailey sighed once the room was clear. She stripped off her jacket and shirt, changing in to one from her bag. She seemed clear everywhere else. She wanted a shower but settled for wetting a paper towel and began washing her face at the sink and then her hands. The soap and water took the red from her hands and washed it down the drain. Another speck of blood was noticed on her face—every time she thought she’d gotten it all she’d see another one—and she wiped that away too. All the traces of Cameron Barlow gone. None of her emotions were sticking. If could scream, if she could cry, maybe she'd feel...better? Should she feel better? She was still coming up short. Maybe that's what she deserved. Or maybe it was what had always saved her when emotions ran high, when she was scared.

Trudy walked in as she was finishing up. ”Hey” she’d called, grabbing her attention from the mirror.

“Hey.” She parroted, throwing her towel in the basket. “Patrol transport the shooter in?”

“Yeah, I just logged him in. He's in Intelligence. Voight and Halstead are having a run at him.” Trudy updated before reading from the folder in her hands But Hailey was on the move—walking past her, storing her gun... “Uh, his name is AJ Flores. Multiple priors, affiliated with hey—“ Hailey was on her way out of the room. “Hey! Hailey? Hailey! Take a second.”

She turned. “To what? Calm down?”

Trudy wasn’t expecting that. Yelling, maybe, Anger, yes. But not this. It was eerie how her rhetorical question was asked from a voice that was _only_ calm. Flat.

“To read the file” she responded, delicately. She could see Hailey was on a fast burn.

“I don't need to read the file.” Hailey continued with the exact same intonation. “I know what just happened. He killed my CI right in front of me, Trudy. That's what just happened.” With that she turned and walked out, looking for where Jay and Voight had him.

She'd only taken a few steps into the hallway before she saw Kevin. “Which room?” she asked, tersely.

He answered out of instinct. “One, but Hal-“ he started, She was already moving past him, not heading toward the viewing room where she could watch from behind the safety of the two-way mirror, but right toward the room where they were.

Hailey didn’t hesitate in turning the doorknob and walking in. Three interrogators in a room didn’t happen. A flicker of surprise came over Jay’s face to see her but he didn’t say anything, instead just moved over a bit, letting her have the space in front of AJ. She needed to confront him, he got that.

“Y'all don't need any more police.” AJ said as she joined them. “I shot him. Cameron was a snitch, deserved to die. So I followed him and then I shot him.”

Hailey stared at him, then challenged. “How'd you know he was a snitch? How?” No response so she continued. “Someone told you. Who?” The look he gave her, like she should know, confirmed it all for her. She took out her phone and called up the picture of the man she knew was responsible. “Was it this guy?” Hailey pushed the image toward him on the table.

Voight wasn't happy to see her in here but he let her have this. Now he sighed a bit behind her. _shit_. She heard the slight breath but missed the look he gave Jay as she continued. He knew this was heading downhill fast.

“Darius Walker told you he was a snitch and he ordered the hit, didn't he?” _C’mon just say it,_ Hailey thought. _Say his fucking name_. _Name him_.

“Cameron was a snitch, deserved to die—“

She interrupted him, beginning to shake with frustration. He wasn’t giving her anything. “I.don't.want.your rehearsed garbage. Did he order the hit?!”

AJ was on repeat. “Cameron was a snitch, deserved to die. So I followed him and then I shot him.”

Hailey was now shaking. Desperate. “Okay. I'll give you a deal—“ she offered. He was winning this and she didn't care. She just wanted the affirmation of the hit.

“Cameron was a snitch—“

“What do you want?” Her desperation was coming off her in waves. She’d give him _anything_. “Come on, we'll put it in writing right now.”

“Hailey” It was Voight. This was dangerous. Hailey was dangerous. He exchanged a look with Jay who was in agreement. Thankfully, this idiot wasn’t reading Hailey or the situation and kept on with his rehearsed lines.

“--So then I followed him and then I shot him.”

Hailey was trying to control her breathing, her body, but was only successful in keeping her emotions from showing on her face. But Jay could see it all. He could read Hailey no matter which way she was turned.

“I'd like my public defender now.” AJ was done.

If Hailey thought she’d come close to losing it when she walked in, uninvited, to that interrogation. she was now even closer listening to the unit come back with all of the reasons why they couldn’t grab and arrest Darius like she wanted. She was the closest when Jay reminded her that they had a buy already scheduled with him. Losing Darius wouldn't bring Cameron back and they wanted the drugs off the street.

“ _ **Who the hell cares?!”**_ _she’d yelled, incredulous and frustrated with this, with everyone, and now, mostly with her partner._

She was on her own. With Jay not having her back, and publicly, she felt how alone in this she really was. Her resolve cracked. A minor fissure. Emotions seeping up fast. Hailey knew she needed to cap the flow, grab her control from the gushing she could feel coming, slow the rush down to a trickle until it was tight and nothing could come through. Before she wanted to _feel_. Now she only wanted to feel nothing. It would take a bit but she’d get there. She’d done it before. Often.

“We’re still gonna use him?” She tried one last time, trying to appeal to Voight. _He’s guilty_ . _He did this,_ her eyes screamed at him. But yeah. They were gonna use him. No one having her back, Jay leaving her alone in this, had Hailey starting to withdraw, getting a solid hand on her control and her emotions, turning them down, feeling them trickle and then turn off. She'd done it fast. Had had so much practice.

Jay noticed. He wasn’t sure what he was seeing but it was almost as if part of what made her ‘her’ was fading. She was disappointed, he figured. She’d work through it.

She disappeared for hours after that but stayed in radio contact, responded in the affirmative when asked to confirm her part in the next play, confirmed the she was ready to meet at the undercover car when Jay gave her the signal that they were getting ready to leave. Now they sat together in the car, getting ready to watch the transaction between Darius and Mackie play out. She’d been silent beside him during the drive and continued while they sat here. He didn’t want to push. She wasn’t giving him any kind of childish silent treatment, he knew. She just had nothing to say. Until she did.

“It'd be real easy to move on them both right now” she offered, her voice low and void of emotion, factual. “Burn Darius, can't use him anymore. He'd be booked, do his original time.”

Her speaking surprised him, both in content and tone. “Yeah, for drugs, _”_ he replied. It wasn’t what they wanted him for.

 _“_ 30 years is 30 years” she said, tightly. She’d take what she could get.

Jay had never heard Hailey sound so cold. He tried to think of a way to help, to get her back. Her easy smile, smart observations—he’d even take her teasing if she’d come out of whatever this was. After a moment she continued again, trying to appeal to his sense of logic, his heart.

“We're trusting-,” she told him. “we're _protecting_ a killer.” Hailey’s voice was dripping.

She’d tried to get him at his heart, he’d try and go for hers. He kept his voice soft. “Hailey, I'd follow you anywhere. But I know right now you would tell me to trust Voight.”

She’d blinked. He'd seen it. Whether it was his using Voight’s name or telling her he trusted her enough to follow her, something brought her back for a moment out of whatever freeze she was in. But it didn’t last. By the time she’d had to do her part, to put out the bogus call that allowed Darius to get away unnoticed, unknown, her voice and demeanor were back to cold. Vacant. 

Hailey sat in the passenger seat now, having given the driving duties over to Jay for the ride back to the district. She’d nearly lost it earlier, her grip on herself. Jay’s reminder that he would follow her had nearly loosened her grip, allowed her heart to open again at his words, wanted to believe in him. But then she remembered. He _didn’t_ follow her. Didn’t have her back. Not when she needed him. They were just words. She was able to scoot back away from that hurt and back in to the part of herself where she’d spent so much time as a child. No pain, no emotion. Just operating.

She watched the scenery go by out the window as her memory rewound to the past few days, back to when she thanked Cam for having her back, for saving her head from the bullet in Book’s car. His response had been the same as it had been for years, “I got you--front, center, sideways.” He’d followed her, would do his best to keep her safe out on his streets, and he’d died for it. She thought about Jay’s words, even if that’s all that they were. I _'d follow you anywhere_. She didn’t want anyone else to follow her—behind, front, center or sideways. She'd walk alone.

Jay parked the car outside of the district. He’d being trying to find the words to talk to her, to help her. “Hailey—,“ he started. It took her a second before she looked at him, did her best to convey with her eyes the words she spoke. “I’m okay Jay.” Without waiting she opened the door and was out, walking to the building. Jay was beside her within seconds.

They walked through the lobby and up to the bullpen. Two people together but also couldn’t be farther apart.

“She ok?” Adam had whispered to Jay after watching Hailey walk to her desk. She was nearly dead-eyed and laser focused on something inside of a folder. Jay shrugged, and looked back at her, concerned. He didn’t know. Voight came in a moment later, now that they were all back, and gave the update about their current state after the meeting, about Darius specifically.

“We’re gonna keep him in play. He's valuable. He probably saved us hundreds of ODs, right? Look, the rest is simple. It's one murder we never make. He may not even be involved.”

Hailey did her best, listened to him talk about Darius, trying to stomach what he was saying but it was becoming harder and harder to keep it together. Until she heard his last words and she couldn’t keep quiet anymore.

“There’s no way you believe that.” She snapped quietly. Eyes went up and all around, landing on each other around the room. All except for Hailey and Hank’s. Theirs were focused on each other.

He waited a moment, waiting to see if she’d continue. When she didn’t, he offered, “My office?”

Immediately she was out of her seat and walked right in.

Hailey began at once, trying to make him see that working with Darius was a mistake; they didn’t know him, they couldn’t trust him. Things she would never have been able to say about Cam. But Voight wasn’t catching on, he already knew these things about his CI. There was nothing personal there, it was a simple use-use situation. Voight got intel, his CIs got his protection. He didn’t know or care about his CIs. Not the way she had, not at all. This was exactly why. Hailey was learning a lesson from this; she shouldn’t have cared, been invested, should have simply used, gotten, and walked away.

But she hadn’t and now she literally had had Cameron’s blood on her hands as a result. She’d put him out there, didn’t do enough to pull him back, and his death was on her. And she cared and she hurt because of it. She gave in to her guilt as it was clawing at her, opened herself up to her boss.

“How do I do that? she asked quietly. “How do I carry it?”

He had no help to give. Hank Voight, who always had an answer, had nothing for her.

“I still have no idea.” The realization hit her hard. If he didn’t know, how would she figure it out? She’d cared too much and it was tearing her apart. There was no way out of this.

Voight watched her,not liking what he was seeing or hearing from her during their conversation. So much of this she should have known, should have been second nature to her. And her face at now as she looked at him, open like he hadn’t seen before, wanting him to have an answer for her, begging him to. This was the job. Whatever had Hailey reeling like this was over now, he hoped. She was too solid, always steady, for something like this to shake her like it had. She’d been off throughout this case. Too close. He watched her, cataloging her new behaviors, watching to see how she dealt with them, how she played them out. How now she was left seemingly unable to get her shit back together. This wasn’t the Hailey he had ever known.

Hailey stood slowly, silently. Unsure now of what to do or what to say. She made her way to the door and opened it, walking to her desk and taking a seat. And she just sat.

Jay was on the other side of the doorway when she came through, eyes going from Hailey as she walked out, to Voight. Hank simply watched him, and hoped he’d be able to be there for Hailey, to see if she was falling, to catch her if she did. He gave a quick nod to his boss, wordlessly reminding him of his support to Hailey, before he moved and sat across from her at his desk. Her eyes were in a file as he logged in to a database on his computer, if she was going to try and go back to normal, to routine, then he'd follow her lead.

Hank was still in thought, a worry gnawing at him. Whatever had happened with Hailey today, with this case, he didn't think it was over. In fact, he realized, he felt like something had just begun. 


	2. A journey begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Covering the time period of No Regrets, Absolution and part of Mercy. The rest of Mercy will be covered in the next update.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Only things that I can claim ownership of in this work are the errors.

Things had gone back to business as usual within the unit. Working shifts when not working cases, following up on leads, clearing paperwork. Voight kept a watchful eye over the team with an extra focus on Hailey. It had taken her the better part of a week to get back to what he would consider normal. Functional. Not true Upton status but she was working her way there. He could give her the benefit of time. She was good enough at what she did, important enough as a member of the team, and special enough to him on a personal level that he could do that. He’d thought maybe they’d cleared the hurdle, that whatever had gotten her so off her game was in the in past, that there wouldn’t be any more changes to note in her behavior. He was wrong. It just hadn’t happened yet.

While chasing offenders with Adam, Kim inadvertently caught something wrong out of the corner of her eye. She slowed her run to a stop, trying to make sense of what it was that she had just seen as she’d rushed by. Adam had the guy in custody up ahead so Kim was free to cautiously check out the brush that had caught her eye. Or more specifically, she realized as she got closer, the dead body in the brush.

The case was theirs and they began to work it, hard as usual, trying to figure out who killed Ally Larson.

Hailey had been hard at work on the computer trying to find a lead to a suspect. Jay was working hard as well but his eyes were often pulled up from his work and over to his blonde haired, blue eyed partner. The one who could make him forget to breathe just by looking at him or even, as he’d come to realize, if he was the one to look at her—while she worked, on the phone, talking to Kim, or Kevin, or Ruzek, or Vanessa. He often caught himself before she looked up, before she noticed. But not always. The thing was that when she did catch him, she didn’t seem to mind. Sometimes she’d give him one of her soft smiles and sometimes she’d simply meet his eyes and match his gaze. She never made him feel awkward when she caught him; It was as though she’d felt his watch and simply met him, like she heard a call and answered it.

Lately though, as he’d watched her, he’d noticed a few things. Things he didn’t care for, things he wondered if Hailey was even aware of. During their undercovers she’d play her role perfectly but there was a coolness now, an aloofness that hadn’t existed before. He could still count on her 100% he knew, but he couldn’t deny what he saw. There were offenders who felt her wrath far so more than others from take downs, to cuffings, to venomous interviews. For others it was completely the opposite, she did everything she was supposed to do, never hanging back, she’d still be first one in the door if tasked to do so but her movements were programmed, robotic. Interviews were done with force, a raised voice, or with minimal talking, her questions targeted to elicit the most information with the least amount of words from her. Sometimes she took point regardless of the plan they made and sometimes she gave it up, pushing him to take it m, again unplanned. When he noticed, he’d follow up with her, and always got the same response.

“Hey,” he’d gently pull her to the side, hand on her shoulder or arm, a sideways talk while in the car, or walking down a hall. “What happened in there? You good?”

“Yeah, I’m good,I’m fine.” she’d assure him, always in a soft voice that he swore was reserved just for him. She’d flash a smile and be gone, either back to her desk or to complete a task, or if confined with him she’d change the subject and despite his elite detective status he wouldn’t realize it until a few minutes later when he’d see that they’d left his concerns far behind. There were times he questioned why he even asked when he could predict her response. But she was his partner. She was Hailey. And he knew that he did it because the one time she said no, that she wasn’t good, that she wasn’t fine, he wanted to be the one she told, that helped her. She was his partner, full out. But there were times he felt that they could be more, that they already _were_ more. Sometimes that thought terrified him and sometimes it made him warm.

At the moment though he was feeling punchy and simply wanted to bug her. Like a boy pulling a girls hair on the playground.

“Hailey,” Jay said, low-voiced, from across her at his desk. She was laser focused, scrolling, then reading from a file, then back to scrolling and clicking. “You know looking at porn while at work is a fireable offense.” 

From behind her Adam Ruzek choked on the coffee he’d just sipped from his mug. He spun in his chair to see what Jay talking about, craning his neck around Hailey to get a glimpse at her computer. It was just documents and other windows. Disappointed but not surprised, he looked back to Halstead who teasingly shook his head minutely and smirked. He’d seen Hailey working hard, lost in whatever she was chasing, and was just trying to get a rise out of her. It hadn’t worked. 

Hailey had felt the stares though and stopped what she was doing, looking back and forth between Jay and Adam, who was now super close to her, peeking over her shoulder at her screen.

“What?” she asked, confused.

Jay just grinned and his shoulders shook as he let out a laugh. “Nothing.”

“Man,” Adam huffed out shaking his own head and turned back to his own desk.

She surveyed the situation, all of a sudden feeling as though she was sitting between 2 guilty teenage boys. _These idiots_ , she chuckled to herself. Hailey felt the beginnings of a smirk begin on her face as she caught Jay’s just as it disappeared off his. She’d obviously missed something but didn’t have time to dwell on it as her computer alerted her to a new email. She clicked it open, watched something and then read through something else a few times. She click click clicked, opening up a few more windows on her screen.

“Jay” she called him over. When he stood behind her and saw what she had, he called for Voight. When they were both in place she went over what she’d found. “I just got surveillance back from the auto parts shop.”

Hailey called up a video, and pointed at it with her finger as she spoke. “We got a male in a red camo jacket dragging Ally's body. This is eight hours before we found her. So-- then the guy runs off, and then--headlights.” She pointed again. Hailey clicked through a few windows before stopping at a new one. “So I checked traffic cams leaving in and out of the area. Two minutes later, same guy. Street POD caught him at Cicero and 6th. Got a hit on facial rec. Say hi to Ramiro Lopez.” She grinned, turning in her chair to face them and hit them with all of the intel she’d garnered about him and without a file in front her. “He's a mid-level dealer with the Insane Players, runs a corner a few blocks from where we found Ally's body. He's out on parole for distro, has one prior for domestic. He's been staying with his cousin in Archer Heights, low-income apartments on Pulaski.” She stopped, satisfied.

Voight nodded, taking it all in. “Let's get some cuffs on this guy.” He laid a quick hand on her shoulder before she could get up. “Good work,” he acknowledged, as he made his way to get his jacket. Hailey took 2 seconds to feel the warmth inside her spread at the compliment. She never needed the kudos but if felt good when she got them. She stood and turned off her computer, following after her boss and partner.

Ramirez turned out to be a busted lead but a hair caught on Ally Lawson’s necklace gave them a new name, John Waddell. Voight and Hailey took the interview. Voight took point while Hailey stayed quiet. reading and re-reading the file in front of her.

He realized quickly that something was off with Hailey as she began to read through Waddell’s file out loud, cold and steely voiced. Letting Waddell know her opinion of him, making it personal. Doing what she shouldn’t. Voight didn’t like what this scumbag was saying either, but hell, no one ever liked what any of the scumbags said in here.

Waddell continued with his excuses while Hailey continued on through his file, obvious in her disdain for him and his attempted validations. She tried to push through, remain neutral, professional. It was damn hard and she was losing the battle fast. The more he talked the tighter she wound, feeling nausea brew, until he threw the missing girl straight on into his warped perceptions. She swallowed down bile. 

“They wanted to punish me because Claire and I had **genuine** feelings for each other. Why is that so hard for you people to understand?”

Hailey had had enough of this asshole.She stood up, face placid, completely calm, then pushed the table solidly across the floor, moving Waddell backwards with it, pushing him hard up against the wall, her force against the table pinning him there.

Hailey leaned fully forward, putting her face right in his. “Because she was a 17 year old girl _you_ _stupid prick_.” Hailey seethed. She held it there in a moment filled with malice before she pulled the table back and walked right out of the room.

Hank had known she was toeing a line during the interview but he hadn’t expected her to fall from it. But she did, hard, and he was there to see it right up close. It was quiet, it was cold, and it was without any warning at all. Even him being him, he hadn’t seen it coming. She had simply acted. It was something he’d done many a time—distanced himself from the emotion at hand and committed an act. Seeing Hailey do the same wasn't a pleasant feeling.

He called Jay in for a meeting the next day, after they’d finished the debrief on the now closed Ally Larson case. Voight was a straight shooter and was honest with him from the jump. “I’m worried about Hailey.” He told him, closing the door and moving to sit behind his desk.

Jay took a breath and straightened in the seat he’d taken. _Shit_. He’d hoped no one else was seeing what he was. She could appear wonderful and happy, and her regular self, but if you looked close enough you’d see the fraying edges in some places, the harder, more callous edges in others. Some things now affected her more while others far, far less. He wasn’t sure which one worried him the most.

“I am too,” he admitted. “But there’s nothing there. She’s solid. I mean, yeah, I’m seeing some changes too, but after a while seeing what we see, doing what we do, that’s not crazy, right?” It would be normal to be affected, he reasoned. They all were, they just dealt with it in their own ways.

Voight looked at him, chewing on his words. He knew Jay was looking for a reason to _not_ be concerned, that his heart guided him through life, through this job. Hank was glad for it. He needed someone to watch Hailey’s back, but Jay’s heart wouldn’t get in the way of him helping her if it was needed. And it would keep him close enough to get the best view.

“Watch out for her, Jay. Let me know if I need to step in.” Voight was dead serious about the request. Whatever initiated the elevation in his concern was big enough for this meeting to be called. Jay didn’t know what it was but if made his boss call him in about it, you can bet he’d follow up.

“Yeah, you got it Sarge.” he stood, trying to decide if it made him feel better or worse knowing that someone else was watching a slow change occur in his partner, his friend.

He walked back out to his desk, seeing Hailey on the phone and taking notes throughout the conversation. _Busy as always_. They all got back to work and Jay lost sight of Hailey’s changes as he lost himself, first in the debacle of the Marcus West case, and then in the aftermath of helping those he left behind.

***************

Hailey sat at home, eyes on the darkened tv screen as she nursed a single malted scotch. A hard case was over, her paperwork completed and now here she sat trying to assess her current state. She’d been working hard, going home, working hard, going home. Cameron’s voice filtered through to her _I know you. You go to work, you go home._ A rueful smile appeared as she realized how right he’d been.

Vanessa noticed the bottle on the coffee table as she sat beside her roommate on the couch. “Going for the good stuff tonight, huh?” Hailey huffed out a small laugh but didn’t respond immediately. Vanessa tried again. “Y’know…it’s a lot easier to find something to watch if you actually put the tv _on_.”

Hailey gathered herself, appreciative of what her roommate-becoming friend was doing. “Sorry” she inhaled and smiled. “I’m here,” she told her. “What’s up?

“Wellll,” she drew out, turning her body toward Hailey and got more comfortable. “I wanted to see if you had any plans tomorrow night.”

“Hmm, does a date with the grub hub delivery guy count?” she smirked. “Because if not, no.”

Vanessa smiled back and a blush began to work its way up her cheeks. Hailey’s smirk turned in to a grin as Vanessa still didn’t speak but her blush deepened. “Va-ness-a?” she enunciated each syllable in her name.

“No,” she tried rejecting Hailey’s shit-eating grin. “I just wondered if I could have….someone…over.” Her tone, lilting and airy.

Hailey easily cracked the code and chuckled. “This is your place too,” she reminded her. “I can make myself scarce, no problem.” Then, “Any more information coming?” she asked teasingly.

“Not yet,” Vanessa was trying hard not to smile. “But I’ll let you know.”

Hailey’s eyebrows shot up as she realized Miss Vanessa had a life outside of work, a life outside of being her roommate. She was impressed. And maybe a tad envious.

“No problem,” she assured her. “I’ll check in with Kim. See if she’s up for a girls night.” She sipped her drink.

“No, no, no,” Vanessa stammered. “I mean, you don’t have to be gone all night…this is your house—“

“Stop,” Hailey held up her hand. “It’s good.” She’d work it out. “And it’s your house too.” Vanessa didn’t seem to have many, any, outside of work friends (but then look who was talking), and she wanted her to understand, to know, that his wasn’t just a temporary place for her to stay, that this was her _home._ Hailey had been happy to help her, to give her a place to stay, time to adjust to the job, help in adjusting when needed. She’d gone to bat for Rojas and was glad every day that she had.

Vanessa smiled and happily changed the subject, grabbing the remote. “Wanna see what’s new on Netflix?”

Hailey chuckled. “Actually,” she leaned forward, grabbing the bottle from the table in front of them, “Mr. Walker and I are going to take this party upstairs. I’m going in early tomorrow so gonna call it a night.”

“Again?” Vanessa looked up at Hailey as she stood. “Girl, you’re making us all look bad.” Hailey just smirked and walked toward the stairs. “Niii-iight!” she called over her shoulder.

Laying on her bed, Hailey sent a text to Jay. _Got plans tomorrow night?_ Her mouth twitched a few times as she waited for a response. It wasn’t long before her phone glowed and she checked his reply.

_Yeah_

She nodded to herself and gave another mouth twitch as he didn’t elaborate. Her eyebrows raised as she let out a quiet “ohhhh-kay.”

 _You good?_ he asked.

_All good._

He’d been busy a lot lately. Another person with an outside life, she mused. Next was a text to Kim. Hailey fell asleep while waiting for her reply.

In the morning, her alarm woke her to a state of confusion. She was still in her clothes from the day before, and she tried to clear her bleary mind by rubbing the heels of her hands deep in to her eyes. It was still dark out as she swung her legs over the side of the bed and started to get ready for the day.

Hailey was pulling in to the district when her phone buzzed with a text. Kim would love to do something tonight.

******************

Jay was busy a lot, she was realizing. Weekend days, after shifts, sometimes before. Times where he left the district for an hour or two, asking her to cover for him without explanation. She didn’t think he was trying to be vague but he certainly wasn’t interested in sharing any details. She got that. It really wasn’t her business, she told herself. But still. Something just didn’t feel right She shut down that voice in her head; She could spend hours, days _thinking_ —that wasn’t going to get her anywhere. So she stopped, refusing to think about it anymore and instead she acted.

The first time she followed Jay she told herself she was just working, collecting information. That information came fast and furious as soon as she saw the woman he was with. They were talking outside of a diner, not looking _overly_ friendly, definitely didn’t look romantic, but they stood close enough that she could tell this wasn’t formalized business. She took a picture of the woman and ran it on her own through facial rec. The name she saw on the screen at first didn’t mean anything to her until she scanned through the document. Hailey paled. _What. The. **Hell??**_

She couldn’t settle on an emotion: anger, fear, confusion…they were all jockeying for first place in her head. In her heart.

She followed Jay a few more times after that. It was always the same, he always met with this woman. Angela Nelson. And more often than not, with her son. These were the extended visits, times spent in a movie theater, at a school function (for Christs sake). _What the hell was he thinking??_ If he met just with Angela it was for much shorter visits. With the aid of the long lens camera, she could see that he often had money or gift cards for her, sometimes with what looked like a receipt for a bill paid. Haley put 2 fingers to an eyebrow and closed her eyes, shaking her head often at what he was doing, how far he was going for this woman. For this family.

Hailey tested him. She’d ask him to meet for a drink, he was tired, he had plans with Will. She’d ask him to come over for a movie and beer. He was staying late to do paperwork. He was working an unwitting informant.

Going on the third week she’d had enough. He needed to know that she knew, that this needed to end. They could all be royally screwed if this ended up going south.

On this sunny Sunday morning, she’d gotten up early, pinged his phone and pulled in to the public park across from his truck. She’d kept his location open in case he moved but it had been static for a solid hour. By the time she’d put her car in park she could just make out Jay pitching to the kid on the field across the way. It wasn’t a lie to say it gave her a weird feeling that she couldn’t place. She shook it off, continuing to watch him and continuing to shake off the weird feeling that kept coming back. She stayed in the driver’s seat, watched as they played and then packed up. She watched as he said his good byes to Angela and saw the moment of recognition as he saw her car. She braced herself for his reaction but surprisingly, he didn’t look mad as he walked up to her car, and she rolled the passenger side window down to him.

Jay crossed his arms and leaned forward in to the car. “You following me?”

“Wellllll”, she drew out, trying to keep this light, “that's what happens when you keep lying to your partner.” _So yeah, Jay, I’m following you_.

“I lied to you?” He was lost. He’d barely spoken to Hailey lately outside of work related conversations.

“Mm-hmm.” she assured him. “Last week, you said she was an unwitting. So I did my due diligence.. _.”_

“Oh, you did” _. Of course I did!, s_ he wanted to yell at him.

“Mm-hmm. I know who she is.” she told him. She wanted him to know that she knew it all. “The question is does she know who you are?” Because _that_ was what she feared.

“No, she doesn't” He caught her sigh and eyeroll. “but it's okay. I know what I'm doing.”

“Jay—“ she began before he cut her off.

“Hailey, I really don't think it's that big of a deal. I'm just helping out a family that got screwed.”

Her tone hardened. “If she finds out who you are, we're _all_ screwed. You've got to walk away from this one.”

But he hadn’t. He said he would, but he didn’t. He’d left her at their crime scene later on that _day_ , gone to help this family _again_. There was so much she wanted to say, to yell at him about, make him see. She wished she’d said more to him at the park. He was too close, too involved. He was going to get hurt by this, could get them all hurt. She could see the big picture here and wished to hell that he could too. She tried to push the worry to the back of her brain as she focused on the task in front of her, working the crime scene Jay had just left, when she felt a buzz in her pocket. Hailey reached for her phone and saw the text. He’d sent a screenshot of the text he’d gotten, the one that sent him out the door, and she rolled her eyes, exasperated. _Jim, I need your help. Please come over._ For that he’d gone running over.  
  


But she hadn’t done anything about it, opting not to clue in Voight when he’d asked. Lied to him by omission, even when he pressed her.

Hailey hadn’t heard back from Jay the rest of the day. At all. Not a call, not a text. She’d come in to work early the next morning, praying that she’d see his truck parked in the lot, that she’d find him sleeping on the couch in the break room, that she could turn her worry in to anger and use it up by yelling at him for causing her to feel this way in the first place. But his truck wasn’t there and her heart dropped. She called him again, fear and worry continuing to churn in her gut.

On her phone, she spoke. “Jay. Third message-- I was annoyed after the first two, now I'm getting worried. Call me as soon as you can.” She hung up and checked in with the rest of the team as Trudy came up and gave her own update on Jay.  
  


Hailey’s vision blurred as the new information came fast—his missed beers with Adam the night before, missing today from his must appear court date, her unanswered calls and texts. None of this was right. None of this was Jay. Putting the pieces together she realized he’d been missing since leaving the crime scene with her the day before. When she agreed to cover for him again. When she’d let him off to go do who knows what with the woman she knew he had no business being with.

The team moved fast in pinging his phone, finding his truck, but he hadn’t been with it. With his gun and badge still in the glove box Hailey knew he’d gone back undercover. Wherever he was he was Jim. They breached the house and Hailey hoped against hope that the dried blood on the floor wasn’t Jay’s. She’d been the first one in the room, the first one to see it as she moved through the room, continuing on with Kim behind her to the back of the house. She was looking ahead but kept seeing the long smear of blood that she’d walked past. _DontbeJaysDontbeJays_ ran through her mind on a loop. She let Adam in the back door and they moved back through the house, stopping in the kitchen. More blood. Whatever hope she’d had in Jay not having been here, that the blood didn’t belong to him immediately vanished upon seeing the familiar woman’s picture on the refrigerator. _Fuck. fuckfuckFUCK_

The guilt was pinning her down, drowning her. She thought of Jay, the blood on the floor. Why hadn’t she been more forceful with him? Told him to stay with her and do his goddamned job, had his back instead of laying down?

Before her boss could get everyone involved she had to come clean. She updated Voight on what she knew, told him what she should have told him the day before. He’d have stopped Jay, shut down his whole do-gooder routine. Jay would have been safe today, pissed at her she was sure, but there’d be no blood on the floor, no abandoned truck outside of a strange woman’s house, no chaos and worry about where he was or if he was--. She stopped herself there. This was useless. Hailey focused on making herself useful. She worked the board with the team, giving and getting information, learning that Angela and ‘Carlos’ had stolen drugs, driven away. Anxious to get in to Carlos’ apartment, to get the info she desperately wanted about her partner, she nearly broke upon finding him, dead for hours. The only lead she had was gone, Jay’s whereabouts with him.

Standing in the dead man’s apartment she found herself on the edge, nearly about to give in to her emotions, her worry, her frustration. He’d died of an overdose from the drugs he’d stolen and hidden in the drop ceiling, easily found by Adam. At any other time Hailey would have found it ironic, a sense of poetic justice served. But now, she wavered, unsure of where to go from there. She was grateful when Voight spoke up.

“Listen, we keep digging into Carlos. The fact he's dead changes nothing 'cause whoever Carlos and Angela ripped off, that's who has Jay.”

Hailey tried to reassert herself. Adam gave her the quiet and space to do so during the car ride back to the district and by then she’d gotten herself back together, and was back working to find him. She took guidance from her boss whenever she could, taking solace in the fact that no matter what, he always had an answer for her, always had a plan. And for that, especially today, she was grateful. Because Hailey had nothing.

Adam and Hank found a connection to Darius Walker. The fact that he was involved in this both disgusted and numbed her. She couldn’t say that she was surprised. But if he was responsible for Cam _and_ Jay…. She felt her body begin to tremble. Hailey allowed herself the duration of 3 breaths to shake, any more than that and she didn’t think she could get herself back, and then took her control again. The guilt continued to eat at her though and she couldn’t shut her mind off, even upon hearing that Darius had successfully brokered a deal to get Jay back. She wanted to hope but Darius wasn’t trustworthy. That was already proven.

She sat in the car with Voight, neither one speaking while Kevin worked with Darius at the meet site, they were _thisclose_ to getting Jay back and Hailey was hanging on by her fingernails.

“I should've said something the second I knew Jay was hanging out with Angela.” Hailey admitted to him, breaking the quiet in the car.

“He was trying to help a mom and her kid down on their luck There's nothing wrong with that.” Hailey didn’t know that she believed that. The thought of Jay going the extra mile in this situation made her stomach turn as Voight continued. “The only problem is being decent and being a good cop, it's not always a perfect marriage.”

“Yeah,” _._ She whispered, before speaking her thoughts more clearly. “Sometimes you've got to swallow all your pain and guilt, move on.”  
  
Hank looked at her then. That kind of a callous statement wasn’t part of Hailey’s nature. He’d been more and more surprised by the changes in her. For the most part she was the same, but the subtle shift was noticeable to Hank and, he knew from the continued meetings he’d had with Jay that he wasn’t the only one. She was working hard and constantly, without breaks, without sympathy even to victims. She kept herself steady, keeping their pain away from her, always factual, always cool. Not a bad thing really, but it wasn’t Hailey. He’d seen it across the bullpen, through the 2 way mirror in the interview rooms, had read it in her reports. But today it seemed to be his turn to see it up close.

He was surprised again when Hailey wanted to put a tracker on Silva’s car. She pushed for it even when he said no, even when reminded that there was someone _sitting in the car_. And Voight liked it even less as he catalogued her demeanor, removing it from ‘troubling’ and placing it now under the beginning of “reckless’. She was sounding a bit too much like him.

Hailey had allowed herself a deep breath as the deal had been successfully brokered, and they’d moved locations. Now, watching the cargo van drive in she prayed Jay was safely inside of it. It wouldn’t be long till she found out, she told herself. She was twitchy, sitting in the car with Voight, and the small construction crew pulling in afterward had unnerved her. She made herself pause and looked to the man in the driver’s seat for some sort of guidance. She studied him, copied his stance and breathing pattern, calmed herself down. He was focused so she too would be.

Even when Adam radioed that Silva was running, and she heard the gunfire in the background, her boss was in control. Hank gunned the accelerator before braking farther ahead, stepped out, and _took a moment_ to line up his shot before shooting Silva in the leg as he ran, hobbling him. Hailey stepped out of her side of the car, her body thrumming with strength and vitriol as she stalked over to the man on the ground.

And then Adam’s voice came back over the radio _._ “Jay and Angela are not in the car. Repeat we do not have Jay.”

On the inside Hailey was screaming. On the outside though she was demanding answers while stalking toward him. “Where is he? Get your hands up. Hands up! Where is he?” She delivered a hard stomp to the bullet hole leaking blood with her boot. Thigh wound. Artery. Femoral. Deadly. Good. The thought that Voight had placed his shot well flitted through her mind.

“Go to hell!” Silva spat in response.

It took no thought for Hailey to bring her gun right up, muzzle in his face, finger on the trigger and the safety off. “He's a cop.” She hissed. “He's one of us. Anything happens to him, that's capital murder. Now, **Where. Is. He**?”

Voight was behind her, allowing her off the leash. Whatever Hailey needed to do, he’d be there for it, to monitor, to back her.

Vanessa came up, seeing Hailey losing control. And what’s more, seeing the construction crew 50 yards away seeing it too, recording it. This couldn’t happen. “Sarge!” she warned, calling his attention to her sightline.

Voight did. “Hailey, not here.” He called her off.

She heard him but kept the gun in Silva’s face for another moment and applied one more fierce force of pressure to his leg before sneering at him, “You better pray to God he's still alive. Put your hands behind your back _._ ” She yanked him up forcefully, wanting him to hurt, to feel the pain she was feeling but knowing that he couldn’t. There was no way he could since it felt as though she held all Pain to herself. It cascaded through her, dulling her senses, hardening her more. There were no thoughts of logic or procedures, only to do what was needed, do what it took whatever it was.

Kevin, Adam and Rojas took charge of Silva, took him away from Hailey and Voight’s potential. They drove him to the district, brought Silva in through the back, and put him in the cage. Their current parts complete the three left to go do whatever they needed to do in a place other than the basement. The place without cameras, without outside eyes and ears.

Hailey stood and watched Voight beat the shit out of Silva down in the box, relishing in his moans. She saw the blood droplets fly, the cuts open up, the blows land hard. She stood and watched, taking it all in, the sight, the smell, the sounds. He still wasn’t giving anything up.

She wanted a go at him too but knew that if he didn’t care about Hank’s blows he wouldn’t care about hers. Hearing him tell Voight to kiss his ass tweaked a chord in her. She worked at how to get him to give up Jay, to bring him pain for making her feel hers, for doing whatever was happening or had happened to Jay. He needed to pay full price for all of it.

An idea occurred to her, a way to bring him pain. A way to make him tell her where Jay was. Her anger pooled together and made a ring around a void where other emotions used to be. She was full now of only anger and nothingness.

“Sarge,” she called, “Take a break.” She pulled Voight out and told him her idea.

“We need leverage, right? Let's use the one thing this guy cares about _._ “

“Which is?” he asked.

“His youngest son.” She stated it matter of factly.

“The honor student?” The kid.

“Yeah. He's the only thing we got.” The fact that Silva’s kid was an innocent gave her absolutely no pause. If putting the hurt on him would get his father to talk she’d would do it. Hard.

Voight’s words in response were like a balm, “Do what you gotta do” Hell yeah, she would. She was back off the leash.

Up in the bullpen, as Hailey made her way to the break room, she passed Adam at his desk. She was running on everything—adrenaline, fear, fury. She refused to feel the pain that threatened to invade at every second, refused to feel the fright, the guilt that she had the power to stop all of this before it ever even started. She fought to keep control of it, to keep it all in check. And she passed by Adam, unaware of the fear on his own face as he saw how off the rails she appeared.

For something to do with her hands, she grabbed a mug to pour some coffee and dialed the lockup keepers, wanting to know where the hell they were in delivering the kid to her. The call only led to frustration when she was told, again, that they were on their way. This kid was the key to getting to Jay, and he needed to be here. _Now_. The mug was still in her hand and she swung it back, allowing it to shatter in the sink. She felt like that mug, cracking and shattering but instead of immediate breakage hers was an agonizing, slow motion experience. The tears were threatening and she wiped them away. She just needed this kid. She just needed to find Jay.

Adam heard the break from his desk and came in, tried to reassure her. But it was she who made him feel better, pretending that his reassurances mattered. Vanessa came in next reporting on the kid’s arrival. _Thank God_.

Hailey had the presence of mind to warn Vanessa away from this, from what she was prepared to do. But Vanessa dug in, she’d be there for Hailey. Hailey told the terrified kid that drugs were found in his car, that he was off to county, to jail, and she didn’t care at all about his age or his fright or what might happen to him if this didn’t work. Hauling him out and down the hall, she made a pit stop in the basement to show Silva her prize, and just like that, he was theirs. It was so easy. The information came out and the team geared up. Doing what needed to be done had worked.

Vanessa had taken over the kid’s care and sent him to a place that Hailey didn’t know nor care about. She had no more room for him in her brain. He’d served his purpose and was gone from her.

They made it to the building address Silva had given them but in another frustrating obstacle there didn’t appear to be a way inside. Somehow, somewhere they had to be a way in. The team broke apart, each taking 2 sides of the perimeter when Kevin noticed a carved out rectangular hole, a place where a window should be. An access point. It was a no brainer about who could fit through it, and Hailey only gave a soft grunt as she was lifted up and she pulled herself through the breach. She pushed the screen out of her way, and stood, turning off her coms. Hailey didn’t know what she was going to find in this building, or what she’d say or do when she found it. Her adrenaline was running high as she made her way through the rooms, her ears picking up on the sounds of a struggle and she followed where they led. She wasn’t sure if she should trust her eyes as she crossed a threshold and saw Jay there, having just fought one of his captives, breathing hard, disoriented maybe, bloodied definitely, but alive. She’d come to him fast, saying his name over and over again. He looked at her, barely registering that she was there, or maybe wondering why she was, she thought. And when he spoke, it was so far removed from anything she expected to hear that she simply stood there.

“I’ve got to go help Angela. She’s downstairs.” The words didn’t make any sense. He hadn’t responded to Hailey, didn’t say her name, anything. He just wanted to help Angela. Still. He left Hailey there to go back down the stairs. She was there for a moment, with the body he’d fought before her and she blinked a few times, forced herself to focus on her duties. Hailey turned her radio back on and announced the immediate need. “021 Henry, we've got an offender down and an officer injured. Roll two ambulances to 3900—“

The gunfire from down where Jay had disappeared to cut her off. The gunfire coming from where Jay had gone—gone to help Angela Nelson. Someone else on coms was finishing the address for the ambulance as Hailey flew down the stairs, entering the room at the bottom to find Jay, first beaten and now shot, on the floor with Angela on the other side of the room. She knew she had to render aid and she bent down to check Jay, not allowing a glance to the crumpled figure on the other side of the room. The one with the gun by her side.

“Jay, stay with me. Stay with me, Jay!” She implored as heavy feet came down the stairs and found them. Some feet stopped by her and began to work on Jay, while others moved to the other side of the room, passing behind her. A set of hands firmly but gently guided her up and away so that the paramedics could work.

None of this seemed real, it was all a blurred mess. Just the other day, 2 days ago, Jay was playing fucking baseball with this woman’s kid and today she’d shot him. After he’d helped her, come for her blindly when she asked for him. And Hailey had done nothing. She knew what he was doing and she knew she should have done more to stop it. Believing Jay would, could, put an end to helping someone he felt responsible for was never going to happen. Why the hell hadn’t she done something, told someone, threatened him, talked to Angela, anything, something?

She rode by Jay’s side in the ambulance, holding his hand, his blood covering hers, murmuring apologies for her part in this and warnings that he’d better pull through. Then she was out of the ambulance and somehow in a waiting room seat while he was pushed through on the gurney on a direct path to surgery. 

She sat for she didn’t know how long, numbly accepting shoulder squeezes and comforting words, but none of them knew the part she played in this, the responsibility she bore. If they did they wouldn’t be this kind.

The familiar sight of Will Halstead had her up on her feet fast. He had an update: Jay was still in surgery and there wouldn’t be an answer for a while. Hailey appreciated the words even as she knew it was a lack of information, swallowed her disappointment and returned to her seat, thinking of what she could do.

Hailey had been raised by a mother who prayed, who prayed every day, sometimes multiple times, for her husband’s temper, for her and her children’s safety. It hadn’t ever worked, and even as a child Hailey had seen that, had refused to pray with her mother and waste her words. Even when her mother had cried and begged, telling her that maybe Hailey’s was the prayer they needed, she still refused. But now, she realized, for Jay, she would pray. Silently she began, murmuring to whmever may be listening, begging for Jay to be okay, to be spared, that he was too good of a person to die today, telling whomever was listening that yes he’d been stupid and rash, and an absolute idiot for helping this woman, but he was Jay Halstead and it’s what he did. Whoever was listening had to understand that. His heart made him who he was, made Hailey feel like she was a better person for being around him. She told it how he made her feel, secure, powerful, cared for, respected, valued. She prayed for him to live.

Hailey blinked and time had passed. Vanessa was standing beside her, offering food and a fresh change of clothes. How long had she been here? She’d turned, giving Vanessa her attention, happy for a distraction from realizing that just as she’d feared even as a child, her prayers didn’t matter.

“Have we heard anything about Jay _?_ ” Vanessa asked her.

“No” _,_ she shared, followed by more words falling from her. “He's gonna freak out when he wakes up. The man hates needles. I can't figure him out. He's the first one through the door, a war vet-- And he'd rather take a bullet than get the flu shot”. She scoffed softly.

Vanessa watched her, watched her wrestle with her emotions, saw how hard she was trying to keep herself together. “Hailey” _,_ she began, gently. “I know how hard this must be for you.”

“It's always hard when something like this happens _.”_ She countered. It was their line of work, it could happen any time, any day. And it had happened many times. But not to someone like Jay. It couldn’t happen to Jay.

“It's hard because you love him” Vanessa said it softly but so matter of factly, as though it was so obvious. Her words were like one of those stupid gumballs in a machine, going around and around, down a track until it landed at the door to be let out. Hailey blinked once as the words landed inside of her and nestled snugly in to some part of her that made her feel warm.

“Of course I love him. He's my partner” was all that she could muster as a response. An easy out. It made complete and total sense. But then it didn’t.

All of a sudden things were clear and sharp as her brain and heart aligned completely. It had snuck up on her somehow, but Vanessa was right. She did. She loved Jay, not just as her partner she realized. And not only did she love him, she was _in love_ with him. And she might lose him. She’d built up a wall so long ago, not letting people in, keeping deep emotions out. But she felt it shake as it crumbled slightly under the weight of her realization. If she had the chance to tell him, she would. If he would be ok, she would give him her greatest gift, her feelings, her heart, her love. She just wanted him to be ok. She swore to both herself and again to whoever may be listening, that if Jay Halstead would wake up, would be okay, she wouldn’t waste another minute, another second not letting him know that he was loved. That she’d do anything for him, give anything, take anything. She just needed him to stay.

A few minutes later she got the news that her love prayer had been answered. Hailey sat and cried out tears of exhaustion, of relief, of love.

Later, while he was being cleared for visitors, Hailey got Jay’s room number then took some time in one of the visitor bathrooms, splashing water on her face and changed in to the clothes that Vanessa had brought. She took a deep breath in the mirror and told herself to get moving. She asked one of the nurses to hold her bag behind the desk for her then moved to the elevator to find Jay’s room.

Walking through the clear doors into his room, she smiled at him, guarded at first then opening up, as she saw his eyes open. He was awake and alert. Certainly, he was on some pain medications but he recognized her as she walked in.

“Hey” she greeted him, warm and soft. She walked to his bedside, placing an arm by his pillow and her other by his side, almost like a hug.

“Hey” he returned.

“How are you feeling?” she hated small talk but needed to hear him say it, not a doctor, hear _him_ say he was alive.

“Like I was asleep for a year.”

 _Good enough_ , she thought. “You needed a little rest.” she teased.

“Hailey?” Her heart was in her throat, her emotions threatening to spill out. He’d said her name, the thing she wanted to hear from him back in the room where she’d found him. She couldn’t speak for all the emotions threatening to bubble up, so just tilted her head to him, waiting.

“You know I hate hospitals.” 

She grinned at him in response before answering. “I do.” 

“You gotta get me out of here.”

She laughed at the absurdity of his request, remembering her earlier words. “Not optional, no” _,_ she grinned. God, she felt so good, so warm and light knowing he was okay, just standing next to him and hearing him be well enough to be absolutely ridiculous.

She’d only had a few minutes alone with him until Voight joined them. Hailey immediately schooled her features back a bit and moved her hand away from Jay’s pillow. Retreating from Friend and back to Partner.

The levity she’d shared with Jay was most obviously gone when he began asking about Angela. _He still couldn’t let it go,_ she realized. Even after she’d _shot_ him, purposely tried to _kill_ him, he was concerned about her well-being. Hailey couldn’t comprehend that, could barely even pretend to. Hearing that Jay had told her the truth about who he was and what he’d done made the situation somewhat more complicated so they’d have to work that out. For now though, she simply tried to keep the annoyance off her face, at least hoping that Jay couldn’t read it.

As much as Hailey wanted to stay with Jay, she was soured on the Angela talk, and wasn’t upset when his doctor said they needed to run more tests on Jay. She was okay to leave, she realized, wanting to tie off whatever could be tied off in relation to this woman, to free Jay from his feeling of responsibility to her. Outside of the room Voight asked for her thoughts on how to deal with the situation and she’d told him honestly. Angela was a ticking time bomb both to the unit in terms of exposing the erroneous arrest of Marcus West, as well as to Jay. Angela would destroy him either by telling her story to anyone and everyone, or by denying him any conscience clearing.

Voight was done with this woman as well, said he’d put an end to the situation. Hearing him say that gave Hailey such a feeling of justice. Of gratitude. She felt a swell of pride, content in knowing she could count on her boss. Voight would take care of this, make it right, free Jay. And while he did that, he tasked her with meeting up with the rest of the unit and taking point on the current case. She could work out the kinks in her body and her mind brought on by the hours of sitting and worrying.

Later on, while attempting to secure the remaining MK-18s, the amount of pleasure she felt in taking out the offender when she entered the back of house was exhilarating. With all that had happened during the day, Hailey ended it feeling absolutely alive.

In the early morning hours of the next day the team was back in the bullpen. They had put away their gear and were finally, slowly filtering out to grab a few hours of sleep. All were relived that they’d cleared the case and that Jay was expected to be fine.

Hailey was still sitting at her desk, had said her goodbyes as the others had left, and had just finished her own reports. She was just about to put them in Voight’s box for his signature when he came out of his office. “Hailey?”

She looked over to him.

“Got a minute?”

She nodded and inhaled, feeling unsure of what he’d want to speak to her about. Hailey walked in and stood before her boss’ desk.

He was back in his chair, watching her intently. “You doing ok?”

“Yeah, Sarge, fine.” She appreciated the check in.

He continued to watch her, knowing ‘fine’ was her standard response. “You did good work today Hailey. But having your partner get hurt like that, going through what we did, what you did these past couple of days, that’s a tough thing.” He paused before continuing. “I spoke to Will a little while ago and Jay’s gonna be okay. It’ll take a little while but he’ll be back.”

“That’s great,” she agreed, had already known this.

“Hailey—I want you to take some time too.”

Hailey opened her mouth to speak but was cut off.

Voight’s hand had gone up as he continued talking. “I don’t wanna hear it. Not a week.” He assured her. “But at least a day. Two if you need it. But I don’t want to see you here tomorrow.”

“Sarge,” she began, but at his look, stopped. Her mouth hung open a bit, stunned as to why this was happening, what she had done. Nothing came to mind as an answer to either. Hank watched her closely, watched her digest his words. Finally, he spelled it out for her. “Hailey you’re not being punished,” he assured her. “I want you back here fresh. Sleep in, visit Jay, whatever you need to do. You need a break.”

She didn’t, she wanted to argue before realizing he thought he was being kind to her. She knew she couldn’t change his mind. She looked at him, whispered an ‘Okay’ before turning and heading to door. She stopped before exiting though and turned back to him. Wanting him to know that she’d take his order but still give her thought. “I am okay, Sarge.” She tried to assure him. He nodded and she thought she heard a short “hm” in response. But nothing else came. She turned, trying not to look as defeated as she felt. Voight watched her go with a sense of unease.

Hailey cleaned off her desk, shut down her computer and made her way out to her car. She started it then didn’t move again. She stared at her steering wheel without seeing it. Instead, she saw her boss telling her to take some time. Sure it had been a tough few days, exhausting she agreed, but there had been others in the past. She hadn’t been called off then. Hailey sighed and rolled her eyes a bit at the situation. 3:17 the digital numbers in her dash glowed. She let her head fall back against the head rest, unsure of how to feel about being benched for the following day, or what the reason had been. Hailey Upton didn’t do well with being unclear or unsure. Groaning in frustration, she put her car in drive and headed for home.

Daylight had crept up on her. Hailey looked around her bedroom as she adjusted her eyes to the shadows and the light. She’d gotten a few hours of sleep but didn’t feel rested. The events of the past 48 hours hovered around her consciousness, even in sleep. And now that she was home, thoughts of Vanessa telling her about her obvious love for Jay followed her all around. Hailey padded downstairs, knowing Vanessa was long gone and probably seated at her desk in the bullpen. She sat on her couch in the quiet, legs criss-crossed, and tried to reason with herself. All of her silent declarations of love for him as she sat in the waiting room had been thrown to the side. And now was going to have to bring them up, straighten them out, and go through them. Without all of the worry of yesterday she would try and come up with a clear answer about her feelings toward her partner.

Jay. She trusted him implicitly. She had his back always. He made her feel calm when she was scattered, secure when she was scared. She knew he could ease the pain of a bad day with just a look, and she loved spending time with him over drinks or pizza, or watching absolutely horrible old sci fi movies that he seemed to enjoy torturing her with. He inspired her to be a better person, a better detective. She was okay when she was alone but so much better when with him. She was attracted to him, to his looks, his build, she could see the color of his eyes, the chiseled features of his face. She hated his recklessness, his irresponsible nature but only because they put him in jeopardy. They made her worry. He told stupid jokes and played childish pranks. He refused to leave her alone no matter how hard she’d push if she’d been shaken by something at work. He made her feel……that was it----He made her feel. She did love Jay, she realized. As Jay. For who he was, the person.

Tears pricked her eyes and for the first time since she could remember she allowed them the freedom to fall. Being in love, loving someone, were things Hailey had always hidden from. Love could be a pretty fucked up thing she’d long since realized. It’d been something she learned early on after she was old enough to know that her mother had married her father despite what he did to her. Because, she’d told Hailey, she loved him. And he loved her. And based on the things her father did to her mother, how her mother would defend it, accept it, put up with it, she realized early on that she didn’t understand love at all.

She’d allowed Jay to believe she loved someone. Garrett, but she hadn’t. He’d been fine, a nice guy, good police, her undercover boyfriend. They’d kissed and cuddled in public, neither feeling anything romantic for the other. They were just good at their jobs. What she’d told Jay was true in that Garrett had been the one who found her while Ron Booth beat her. He’d gotten to her in the middle of his attempted rape, before he attempted her murder, and taken her to the hospital, incurring Booth's wrath. Hailey was grateful to him, but she only loved Garrett after he was gone, for what he’d done for her. Convincing herself out of guilt that she’d had feelings for him but knowing truly that she hadn’t. She felt she owed it to him, to his memory, that he should have been loved before he died, was killed, and so she did. That kind of love was sad but it was easy. 

But now she loved, really loved, Jay Halstead. It was so different from the love she’d experienced, had seen, at home; she was certain he’d never hurt her, not with words, not with hands, and not with objects. At the same time though, even without that, love was a damn scary thing. Especially since she knew that she’d need to tell him. She’d sat there in the waiting room feeling those feelings, and she could remember vividly the thought of him not being by her side anymore. She wanted him to know how she felt, even now. It might be selfish, she knew, and she might ruin what they had now, but she couldn’t see not telling him. Besides, she’d done that prayer thing and she didn’t know if it had anything to do with anything but Jay had pulled through, he was going to be okay. She owed it to someone, somewhere to follow through with her promise. 

Hailey showered, dressed, and headed over to Chicago Med to see if Jay was up for a vist. She realized while on the drive over that she was glad to have had this day. To have had time with her thoughts and with her heart this morning, and to visit with Jay with nothing else looming.

She walked toward his room, seeing him in his bed looking not in pain but still miserable. He tried to sit up a few inches seeing her walk through the doors.

“Hey,” she greeted him.

“Hey,” he said, surprised. “What are you doing here?”

“Ehh, I got a call about some grown man-patient acting like a baby about being treated for a gun.shot.wound.” she teased, dropping her coat on the chair.

He huffed out a laugh and rolled his eyes. He did hate it here, he’d hate any hospital, all hospitals.

“Yeah well, the sooner I can get out of here the better.”

“Well then you may want to accept the treatment a little better,” she chided back quickly, moving closer to the bed to help him adjust the pillow behind him so he could sit up straighter. ”Maybe be a little nicer to the nurses?”

She was so close to him, could feel his body heat as she realized her fingers were grazing, touching Jay’s back and shoulder where his gown in the back didn’t cover. Time slowed down as she looked at him, about to apologize for her touch but he was looking at her so intently, like he did sometimes, and she was losing herself in the moment.

Jay wasn’t making a move to break their eye contact and neither was Hailey, her fingertips still feeling warmth as they hovered over his skin. Slowly, she fought her way back up out of Jay’s eyes. She parted her lips slowly and made herself inhale. She was breaking whatever spell she’d been in, realizing her heart was absolutely pounding, and she lightly pulled her hands out from behind the warmth of Jay’s back. She tried for a joke. “I’m sure there are some cute ones around you can bend to your will.” It was a feeble attempt and she knew it sounded weak.

Jay was still watching her though. “Actually—“ he began, eyes on her, his skin too cool behind him where her fingers had left him. “You’re doing a pretty good job of it.”

She huffed out a breath. “Maybe I missed my calling.”

“Hailey,” His voice was low, quiet and her name hung in the air beautifully.

She knew he was going to say something, something that would affect her. It couldn’t be now, shouldn’t be now. Not while he was vulnerable, on medication, in a gown under a thin blanket while she stood beside his bed.

She continued to look at him as he’d said her name, and she shook her head slightly, willing him not to say whatever it was he was about to. Her nose wrinkled slightly and she implored him silently to stop, to not.

And because he was Jay he got it. He blinked a few times and looked away from her. “So shouldn’t you be at work?” he asked, going right for the familiar, the safe. Hailey was so grateful. She didn’t know how well she hid the giant breath she exhaled at the relief but she felt immensely better as she sat down by his feet.

Her lips flattened together as she prepared herself to tell him why she wasn’t at work. “Ummm, Voight—gave me the day off.” She’s started slow and ended as though it was a gift. She tried for a winning smile.

“I don’t know if it’s whatevers dripping through here,” he indicated the IV line in his arm. “making me see things or you’re turning it to shit liar.”

“I’m not lying. He gave me the day off.” She shrugged.

“No way you’re happy about it.”

“Hey!!!” she swatted at his feet. “ _Sure_ I am! If didn’t have the day off I couldn’t be here, taking the brunt of your crap and sparing the nursing staff.” Her eyebrows raised as she smiled. A real smile this time.

“Hailey, what happened?” He wasn’t buying it.

She scratched at her neck, choosing her words then going for honest. “I don’t really know,” she breathed out. “We cleared the case late last night and before I left he told me to take the day. Ordered it.”

He mulled it over. “Well that’s good. You _have_ been looking a little rough around the edges lately.”

She knew immediately he was teasing. “Ohhhh, Jesus Christ,” she muttered, trying to keep the grin off her face. “Thanks so much, thanks so _so_ much.” Subconsciously she ran a hand through her hair. “ANYWAY…” she drawled out. “You need anything while I’m here?” She stood up, looking around the room to see what he might want.

“No,” he told her simply. “Just—can you stay for a while?”

She was again grateful for the day off, the lack of plans. “I got no where to be.”

She’d stayed another hour and they’d watched some daytime tv, played a game of heads up on her phone, and talked about life with a roommate.

“It’s going okay,” she told him. “Kinda nice having someone around. Though,” she grinned, wickedly. “She did have someone “over” the other night. And _I_ was very politely asked if she could have the house to herself.” Hailey grinned.

“Nice,” Jay chuckled, “Go Rojas….So what’d you do?”

“Ohhhh,” she stalled. He’d been her first text about it. But he’d had plans. Angela Nelson plans.

She willed herself away from that thought, that name. “I…met up with Kim and—we went out.”

He knew. She’d texted him that night to see if he’d had plans, and he’d told her he had. It wasn’t common for Hailey to ask that so it was an easy thing to remember, to figure out. 

She continued on quickly. “Burgess can _drink_ ,” she remembered fondly. “We just, y’know, hit a few places---had a few drinks…” She and Kim had sworn to each other not to ever tell anyone how they’d ended up drunk, at HunkOmania, a male strip club, till the early morning hours, before heading back to her place to sleep. Hailey had woken up with only a mild headache easily remedied by a couple of motrin and a bottle of water whereas Kim had NOT had nearly as easy of a time. The blush creeping up her cheeks was a telltale sign that she wasn’t telling the entire story.

“Oh, I’m gonna hear about this…” he laughed, wincing as he jostled his shoulder.

“Y’think?” she challenged. “Yeah, no. never. We got girl code.”

His doctor stepped in at that moment and stopped. “I thought maybe I was in the wrong room. Way too many happy sounds…And laughing? Unheard of in here,” he deadpanned, a friend of Will’s and obviously had been aware of Jay’s lack of love for being here.

“Well, on that note,” Hailey said dryly, standing and going to her coat. If his doctor was here then that was her cue to leave.

As she put her coat on, she pointed at him. “Be good,” she advised, mock-serious.

The doctor shuffled over to look at the printouts coming from the machines hooked up to Jay, an eye on the screens and an ear listening to his patient.

“Mmm” he scowled at her. Then, “Hey.” A beat. “Thanks for coming by.”

Hailey fluffed her hair out from under her coat as she walked back toward his bedside and put a hand on his bed, close to his hand but purposely not touching it. Instead she touched his arm gently as she spoke. “Hang in there. You’ll be out of here before you know it.” She assured him. Then as she went to leave she called over her shoulder, “And you too Doc, hang in there” she teased, nodding toward Jay whose smile immediately vanished as he squinted at her.

“Okay, time to go!” Jay waved her out with his good arm.

“Try not to miss me” she deadpanned as she left, feeling happy.

When it was back to just the patient and doctor, the doctor nodded at Jay. “Things are looking good.” Then checked under the dressing on his shoulder. “Very, very good. Healing well Mr.Halstead. You seem to have found some pretty good medicine.” He said, nodding toward the doorway, obviously meaning Hailey.

“My partner,” Jay said as explanation.

“You’re lucky.” The doctor stated firmly before going over Jay’s discharge orders which he was granting in another 48 hours if everything continued on just as well.


	3. If you miss the train, drive a car

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rest of Mercy through 43rd and Normal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and for the comments! Only the errors are mine :-)

Vanessa arrived home in the early evening to find Hailey sitting at the island, a small dish of Chinese food in front of her, her chopsticks held midair.

“Ohhh that smells amazing!” she chirped, walking in to the kitchen. “I’m starving.”

“Help yourself.” Hailey offered.

Vanessa stopped where she stood, closed her eyes and adopted a face of bliss. “God bless you.” Hailey smiled at her roommate. She doubted Vanessa would care that the food was passing from room temp to cool at this point. She’d been sitting, picking at it for nearly 40 minutes and the temperature had paid the price.

“So which one was it?” Vanessa asked as she plated.

Hailey sighed and pushed her food away. “Which one was what?”

“The delivery dude” she replied as if it was obvious. “Was it the hot one or the cute one?”

Hailey pushed her stool back, grabbed the things in front her, and headed toward the sink. “Umm, neither. Tonight it was Alison, sorry.” She laughed.

“Pft. Bummer” Vanessa bit her lip for a second then shot Hailey a look. “You can go ahead y’know, I know you’re dying to ask.”

“Ask what?” She kept her back to Vanessa as she washed out her bowl.

“If we caught a case. You can rest easy cuz the answer is no.”

Hailey smirked, turning around. Yeah, she’d wondered. She listened to the 21st chatter on her two way for a while earlier in the day and had only heard calls out from patrol. Seemed like a pretty typical day crime wise. Plus, if they had caught a case, Vanessa wouldn’t have been home already. It was funny, she’d thought from time to time that her job was predicated on the fact that people did the wrong things, bad things---very bad things, every.single.day.

“So what’d you do?”

“Hm?”

“Girl, where are you tonight?” Vanessa grinned. “What’d you do today?”

“Oh, um. y’know nothing special.” Hailey was moving now, puttering around the kitchen. “Errands, some cleaning, some tv, visited Jay for a while, stopped at the”

“Pump the brakes right there.. How’s he doing?” Vanessa’s tone was teasing but a softer version of it.

“He’s good. Well--better.” Hailey shrugged. “Definitely not gonna win any World’s Best Patient awards anytime soon.”

“Mm.---Does he know?” Vanessa asked, this time still soft but without the teasing lilt. She was in supportive friend mode. She’d known for a while that Hailey loved Jay as more than just a partner. She’d been surprised to see that Hailey herself was new to that information. What she didn’t know was if Jay had been clued in.

Hailey froze and looked at her roommate _. Know what?_ wasn’t a necessary ask. They both knew what she was talking about. It’d be easy to lie, to play it off, but what was the use. Vanessa could obviously see some things better than she could; She was the one who put the words to Hailey’s feelings in the first place.

Still she hesitated before answering. Hailey gave a shake of her head and a rueful smile. “It’s not the right time.”

“It never is” Vanessa may appear young but she could offer some sage advice.

Hailey couldn’t argue with that. In fact she really couldn’t come up with much to say about it at all. It was all so new. So she dropped it and hoped Vanessa would too.

The day of Jay’s release from the hospital had come and she’d volunteered to pick him up. Hailey had been going over and over, around and around her feelings for her partner. She remembered with clarity her thoughts while she sat in that waiting room, waiting for information. She swore she’d tell him how she felt if he would just be okay, would give him her heart if he’d make it through surgery. He was and he had. Time spent in physical therapy loomed in front of him but he was already making a wonderful initial recovery in typical Jay Halstead fashion.

Hailey drove to the hospital, tight lipped, not hearing the music she played on the radio. She parked, stuck the small bag of Jay’s items in her coat pocket, and headed inside.She was sure that every person she passed could hear her heart pounding. Trying to calm it, quiet it, had proven unsuccessful as she’d made her way from the front entrance to the 4th floor so she’d given up trying. She came around the corner, running various starters in her mind as she got closer to Jay’s room

_So Vanessa said something pretty funny the other day, she told me I loved you…hahaha. **No**._

_Jay, listen, we spend a lot of time together and…. **Nope.**_

_I’ve been thinking about you…. **Oh good lord, no**_

_You make me feel like I want to---- **Jesus, Hailey….**_

She wiped a hand over her face and moved sideways to the wall. She took a moment to lean in to it, grateful for its solidity in holding her up. Her eyes were closed as she rubbed at her temples, trying to ramp up her courage and find some damn words. She was about 30 feet from ruining the best partnership she’d ever had. Maybe it was selfish of her to even tell him? Foisting her feelings on him like this wasn’t fair out of the blue, especially if he didn’t feel the same way, shit, how awkward could she make this…?

“Hailey? You okay?”

She opened her eyes and straightened up away from the wall as she heard Will Halstead’s voice.

“Will. Hi” she smiled. “Yeah, um, I was just..uh-..” Words were failing her fast so she stopped, tilted her head, smiled and tried again. “Picking up Jay.” She gave a quick point down the hallway. Short and sweet.

“I was just down with him. Pretty sure I heard something about the nurses having a special happy hour today in honor of his discharge.”

“I can see that.” Hailey nodded, laughing lightly at the idea of him pissing them all off.

Will looked back over his shoulder, down the hall toward Jay’s room. “And not a moment too soon either.” He grinned.

Hailey closed her eyes for a quick second as her nose wrinkled. “Oh,” she groaned lightly. “Is he in a mood?”

“Isn’t he always?” he deadpanned. “But you know Jay. Get him out of here and he’ll be fine.”

She nodded her agreement as he continued. “Besides” he paused, not very sure that this was even his business to say, “He always seems to be better with you around.”

Hailey’s eyes widened in surprise as she found herself unsure of how to respond to that. _Go light,_ she told herself “Well. He knows I carry a gun so-“ her quick deadpan relieved her tension.

Will laughed and Hailey smiled along with him. “Yeah there’s that,” he agreed, before becoming somewhat more serious. “But there is something else.” He shrugged. “Look, I don’t know, but whatever it is, all I’m saying, and I know I’m saying it badly, is that I hope it continues.” And then he gave his own version of the Halstead Look. The one that said much more that the words it came before or after, as he put a hand to her arm. “You’re good for him Hailey. Thank you for being there for him.”

Hailey wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that. She licked her lips, and shook her head like a puppy would. Before changing it to a nod and shrug. “Yeah, well…He’s my partner.”

The look he gave her was probably a telling one but she wasn’t sure what it was saying. Christ, was she so transparent that _Will_ could see her feelings? This was just becoming too much.

“Well” she began slowly, “I’d better go get the worst patient in the hospital out of here. Let the nurses get ready to party.…” she smiled weakly, and gestured down the hall toward Jay’s room.

“Sounds good, sounds good” he laughed. “Good luck with him.” Will gave her one more quick squeeze on her arm and continued on past her.

Hailey let out a heavy sigh, and shook her head slowly, heavily, as she began walking toward Jay’s room. She pulled the small clear bag from her coat as she moved.

Through the open doorway she watched him attempt to tighten and secure his sling. She guessed Will had already done it for him and now Jay was redoing it. _Stubborn_.

Hailey hoped upon hope that she didn’t look as scared as she felt and tried for brave as she entered the room. She ended up only taking 3 tentative steps inside before stopping to take a courageous breath.

Jay looked up at saw her. “Hey”

“Hey” She smiled, happy to see him. She could focus on that for right now. _Business first, Hailey,_ she told herself. _This is the easy part_. “I got your badge and undercover phone from before” she placed the clear bag on the bed.

“Before it all went to hell?” Jay clarified. They both knew that that was putting it mildly. Very mildly.

“Yeah,” she smiled, taking him in and walking over as he struggled now to put on his jacket. _So bad at asking for any help._

“Here, let me give you a hand.” She closed the last bit of distance between them and for just a second was swept up in the feeling of being _soveryclose_ to him, her eyes closing briefly. She recovered quickly at least, and pushing that new sensation to the side for now, got the jacket around his injured shoulder.

Hailey stopped but stayed in her spot, staying close. _Here we go._ She took hold of her courage and her heart, and forged on, her voice quiet but steady. “Listen, um….when you were in surgery…, no one knew what was gonna happen… And it made me realize that…… I wanted to tell you something.” _Okay, good start. Just keep going._

Jay just looked at her, his attention focused, listening. He’d wasn’t moving, didn’t seem confused, didn’t look at her like she’d lost her mind as she spoke, and that gave her some hope. Her heart kicked up a bit, realizing this was something else that she loved about him.

He watched her, eyes blue and clear, could tell that whatever this was it was important to her.

His “Okay” was quiet. He was with her, accepting what she’d already said and waiting for more. Not pushing, not asking questions, just giving her time. This felt important.

Hailey struggled to keep the emotion out of her voice, had stopped for just a second to put the words together that would explain how she felt. About him. But she was interrupted by the chiming of an incoming phone call. Both sets of eyes looked over but it was just his undercover phone. Hailey could ignore it, could keep going with what she wanted to say and was ready to. But evidently Jay couldn’t. He left the space in front of her and crossed to it, took it out and checked the caller.

“It's Bobby. It's Angela's son.” He relayed.

_Put it down_ , she willed silently. But he was holding it higher, as if he was going to answer it. “What are you doing?”

“I want to make sure he's okay.”

Disappointment washed over Hailey in waves. She knew Voight had already updated him on the deal he’d made with Angela, her silence for her freedom, but still he wanted to make sure the boy was okay? Hailey had to relay these facts to herself, to make sure she wasn’t missing something. 

“Hey, he's with his mom. He's okay.” She reasoned, then reminded him “You just caught a bullet for this. You gotta let this one go.” Her voice was quiet. Jay seemed stuck in place—he wasn’t answering the call but he also still hadn’t put it down. So she whispered, _implored_ , “Just let it go.”

And he did. Jay dropped the phone back to the bed and looked back at her. “All right.” he agreed quietly. The way Hailey was looking at him had him near dizzy, the look on her face, the way she was looking at him, in that moment he’d have done anything for her, anything she asked. Not 3 minutes ago she’d been telling him something, talking about having a realization, Hailey hadn’t just been talking, he realized, she’d been _sharing_. Or was about to. “What were you gonna say?”

But for Hailey it was too late. It wasn’t that he’d gone to the phone, it was that he’d seen who it was and still wanted to answer the call, to stay in the muck of that situation. He’d been given the gift of Voight pulling him out and he was choosing to put a foot back in. She just didn’t understand it. And now she was left, embarrassed about her near admission, heady from the emotions, disappointed in Jay and in a way, herself, for wanting, allowing herself to want.

“Never mind,” Her voice was quiet but purposely steady. She couldn’t put herself through this. It was too much, too hard. “I'm gonna pull the car around. I'll meet you in front.”

Hailey walked out, needing to beat the tears that were threatening to fall. She made it to the elevator, grateful no one else was waiting, and backed up against the wall, hand up over her eyes wiping the water away just as they escaped. Hailey blew out a breath and tried to compose herself. Jay was who he was. And for all the things that made him him, the most glaring to her right now was that he couldn’t see, couldn’t let them go. Not on his own, not even seemingly with help

She couldn’t be that person, didn’t _want_ to be, didn’t want to be the one that told him he had to choose, not to follow his heart, not to help. To do those things was his default. She could help to keep him safe, watch his back, follow him. But she couldn’t change who he was, not even if she loved him. She realized that this love she had so recently discovered, if she gave it to him, would end up hurting her. It would hurt him. And she didn’t want that for either of them.

The elevator doors opened just as Hailey strengthened her resolve. Jay was her partner. He was a great partner. And she could get over this, get past it. She would. She’d be fine to go to work, do her job well, focus on it, and she knew she’d be successful. Because Jay was her partner.

**********************************************************************

Hailey lived and breathed her desk at the 21st. She came in early and left late. She brought Trudy coffee and put greek donuts out for patrol. She chased cold leads from old cases, put 3 new CIs on paper, put feelers out to the ones she currently held and cut the last 2 loose feeling they’d met their burder. She continually updated herself on anything coming down from the ivory tower and constantly combed through online records. She worked cases with the unit minus Jay as he hadn’t been cleared to return yet, and rotated between them for partners.

She’d visit Jay with Vanessa, bring him pizza and beers with Adam, watch a movie at his place with Kevin and Kim. But she didn’t go over on her own. 

Jay noticed. He asked Adam and Kim about it who just said she was working insane hours, asked Atwater who said he had no idea but that she wasn’t even showing that often at Molly’s, asked Vanessa who looked like she wanted to say something first but then changed her mind to, “You’ve known her a lot longer than I have, Jay. But --if she’s working this hard, you know there’s a reason.”

Yeah, Jay knew there was a reason. He just didn’t know what it was.

Voight had also noticed. Hailey had nothing to prove to him or to anyone, but her actions suggested otherwise. She was burying herself in Intelligence and he didn’t know why. Avoidance from something was his first guess but he didn’t have any leads from there. He’d just watch and wait.

They’d caught a case in the morning—smash and grab in Canaryville marred with hate speech. She’d already been in for 2 hours before Voight then Kevin had joined her. Not long after Kevin had taken his coat off and sat down he was back up and putting it on. Crawford had called on Voight to dispatch his unit to Canaryville. They rolled out.

The unit was canvasing the scene, tasking different departments to lift prints, find shells etc. She broke off from the group to return to the silence of the bullpen. But she was surprised to find it not totally silent. Looking handsome as ever with his arm in a sling, Jay was there. He stood beside her desk, one of her reports in his hand, reading it over, papers flipping. He looked up as he heard the bootsteps hit the top of the stairs.

“Hey,” her voice conveying more surprise than she’d have liked. "Welcome back."

“Hey.” He gently lifted the file in his free hand. “You’ve been busy.”

“Yeah, well,” she deadpanned as she reached her seat, making him step back and hung her coat on the back, “My partner’s been out of commission. So y’know, double the work…” It wasn’t true and it was a poor attempt at a joke so she changed tactics. “I’ve been busy.” she agreed. It just seemed easier and covered all the bases.

“How are you?” she kept focused on work, reaching to turn on her computer, put her phone on her desk.

“I’m good, a week light duty then I’m back.”

Hailey looked at him then, met his eyes. “That’s good.” She nodded and smiled. Swallowed. “That’s really good. Be good to have you back.”

“Yeah,” he continued. When she looked up at him he found he couldn’t look away. This was something that had been happening to him more and more when Hailey looked at him straight on. His defenses lowered and he became lost. He wanted to tell her that he missed her, seeing her, just her, wanted to ask why she didn’t visit, why she didn’t call or send more than the occasional text that never became a conversation. “I missed it.” Her. _you_ , he wanted to say. But didn’t.

Hailey was fighting not to drown in this moment, this look they were sharing full of powerful quiet and heavy emotion, just like so many looks they’d shared before this one. She didn’t know where it came from but she found the strength to finally pull back, to inhale and turn her body back to her desk, eyes away from Jay. “Team’ll be back soon.” She made her fingers touch the keys that logged her in and began printing pictures from the morning’s scenes. She glanced right to see Jay still standing there, still watching her. He won. She lost. “Jay…” she started, softly.

Footsteps came up quickly and Voight was now back in too. “Hey Jay,” he greeted, walking past and taking off his jacket. “Glad to see you.” If Voight knew that he was interrupting a moment he certainly didn’t let on. Though he did purposely have his eyes travel between the two detectives a few times, an uneasy silence brewing. Finally he turned to Hailey, “You wanna start the board?”

“Already on it,” she replied, reaching over to grab the printouts. Voight left them for his office. Hailey gave Jay one more look as he still hadn’t moved from the spot beside her desk as she stood. “I’m glad you’re back” she told him, giving a small smile.

Hailey had pulled the large rolling board in front of Jay’s desk and had been posting all of the information they’d collected that morning. She’d had it nearly all done when the sound of Kevin and Adam’s heavy footsteps came up.

“Well, look who's here” Kevin grinned, seeing Jay.

“Welcome back, brother” Adam tacked on.

Jay was glad to see them. He was feeling more like himself just being back here, back with his team, he shot a quick glace up to the woman in front of the board, his partner. “Yeah, I'm not allowed to be full duty for another week.

“You might as well live vicariously through us” Adam joked followed by Atwater’s piggyback of “We can make a journal for you”.

Jay smirked at them as Voight came out, saw and was impressed that the board was already ready to go. “Go ahead, Hailey…”  
  


The case took them back to Canaryville, to a father/son duo who’d been trying to scare away the newer businesses with guns, damage and,hate speech, an attempt to keep their neighborhood from changing. A sweet idea but criminal nonetheless. The son was dead and the father, Marty, was who they were now looking for.

Voight’s radio message sighted Marty sitting in the bleachers at the park. Voight directed them: She, Kim and Vanessa were tasked with clearing the park, while he and Adam would approach Marty from the north side.

Hailey threw the car in park and the three of them got out, ready to carry out their order. But with the amount of kids visible in front of them she knew a two person team could handle it easily. Hailey broke apart from the two women and moved right, planning to cut up a side alley and meet up with Voight and Adam in the middle. She was behind a car nearby when she heard Voight’s gun sighting alarm. Checking the scene when she could, she saw Adam’s gun drawn and Voight standing, talking. She heard something about family as she got closer, then ducking down she made for the opening of the gate and held her position.

Marty stood directly in-between her and Voight and she wasn’t sure if he’d caught her movement. She held her position and waited for an opportunity. Adam had him in sights and Voight continued to try talking him down but the guy was backing up toward her, gun at what she assumed was his chin or neck, since she could hear his voice clearly. Hailey moved forward and left until she was close enough that when Marty moved to commit the act, put the gun to the side of his head, she lurched, directing the force of her contact into his arm, pushing it forward as the gun went off and clattered down to the pavement.

Adam was on it while she spun Marty around and had his face hard against a wooden pole, hands behind his back. Voight moved in with cuffs and gave her a look. She couldn’t tell if he was angry or proud, so for now she enjoyed the cold on her face and the strong beating of her heart as the adrenaline pumped through her.

Adam walked Marty back to the car while Hailey hung back,and Voight stayed with her. It was silent until he spoke, looking straight ahead out at the empty field in front of them. “When we get back,” he paused. “My office.”

He followed Adam, and she was left to question what she’d done, wonder if she’d screwed up somehow. Her mouth twitched as she mulled it over, until she decided that it didn’t matter what she thought, it only mattered what her boss did. So she took a breath and began the walk back to meet up with Kim and Vanessa at the car.

She walked to his door and gave a knock to the doorjamb. Voight looked up and waved her in. Hailey made no motion to sit, remaining standing at the front of his desk. “You might want to close that.” Hailey looked at the open door she’d walked through and went back, closing it. He started talking as she took the steps back to his desk.

“When I give you an order,” he began, his voice low and level and firm. “I expect you follow that order.”

Hailey licked her top lip she’d readied herself for this on the quiet drive back to the district. She stood, listening, taking his words.

“Going off book like you did will get you hurt, get someone else, hurt someone else, or get one of you killed. You won’t do that while you’re working for me Hailey. I’m not gonna lose you, or any member of this unit out there.” He motioned toward the bullpen. “If you feel like my orders aren’t worth following, that you know better, you can use my phone right now, call Crawford and ask for the paperwork to head up your own unit, or go find another.” He paused for a moment, watching her. She wasn’t defensive, she wasn’t angry or upset. She was just listening to him, non-reactionary. Hank swallowed, making that mental note. “That being said, it was a nice move.” he credited, and saw her react, some surprise reflected on her face.

She barely nodded, knowing that that wasn’t supposed to be the takeaway here.

“All right then,” he said, dismissing her.

Hailey walked back to her desk, slowly and exhaling. Adam was turned around in his chair as she got to hers. She met his eye, and gave a tight-lipped flash of a smile before sitting. A deep sigh and she got back to it, figuring she had about thirty minutes of work ahead of her before she could walk down the stairs again.

Adam had left already and it was just her and Kim in the bullpen. She heard a few rustles a couple of times from behind her and when Hailey looked she saw Kim at her own desk, distracted, absentmindedly playing with a smallish piece of paper. “Hey,” she started. “You good?”

“Yeah,” Kim smiled. “Hey-- how about Molly’s after this? I’m just about done here…”

Hailey’s grin developed fast. “Yeah?....Okay… Just make sure we don’t end up downtown again.” She pointedly referenced their night out. That idea had been all Kim.

Jay walked in from the break room just at that moment, and Hailey’s grin faltered, though she fought to keep it up.

“Yeah, no,” Kim deadpanned and smiled. “No chance of that. Promise.”

Hailey huffed out a laugh as she turned back to her paperwork. Jay took his seat in front of her. “What is there no chance of?” he’d overheard something that sounded promising. Listening to the female members of his team sometimes was entertaining and sometimes he learned something. Judging from Kim and Hailey’s faces at his comment he wondered just what the hell he’d missed.

Kim spoke again, ignoring the question. “We were just saying we were gonna head over to Molly’s after this.” Her invitation to him was obvious.

“Yeah…?” he looked to Hailey who raised her eyebrows at him and shrugged, before putting her eyes back to her computer and typing. He looked over at Kim. “Yeah, that’d be good.”

Hailey finished her work, making a plan and then hating the plan, thinking of one drink then leaving. Being around Jay was just going to be too difficult. But she hated that plan. Hated the idea of being ridiculous about Jay, around him, with him. She was an adult. They were adults. He was her partner. She was always going to be around him.This was her problem. She’d just have to handle it. She took a cleansing breath and stood. “All right. Somewhere out there there’s a stool, a pilsner, and a good time all with my name on them.

Computers were shut down, files closed. Kim took care of helping Jay with putting things away, helping with his jacket as Hailey smirked. “Be careful Kim, I think you’re creating a monster. Looks like Jay’s enjoying this a little too much.”

“I could get used to this,” he deadpanned, clearly enjoying the help.

“Don’t” Hailey retorted, smiling. Yeah. She could do this. Be friends with Jay. Be just friends.

Together the three of them made their way downstairs, an easy silence between them until Jay spoke to Hailey. __  
  


“I heard you made a nice disarm”

“Oh man,” She was proud of herself for her actions and now evidently of the fact that word had evidently already gotten around about it. “You want details?”

“Yeah, I’m losing my mind.”

“After 6 days?” Kim asked, for sounding oddly surprised.

“After 6 minutes” he huffed.

Jay looked to Hailey and they both smirked. He’d been a bad patient in the hospital, him at work but off of full duty wasn’t going to be a picnic either and they both knew it.

Platt called Burgess to her desk so Jay and Hailey were left to walk out alone. “Two cars?” Hailey asked as they started the short walk to the lot.

“Actually,Will dropped me. Just another thing I can’t do with this damned thing,” To his credit he only sounded a little bit bitter.

Hailey bit her lip for a moment. Under normal circumstances this would be a no brainer. “Just another week right?”” she tried to soothe. She took a breath and put out an offer. After all, as she’d reminded herself upstairs, she was an adult. She could handle this. “As for rides….I can—“ she purposely didn’t finish, trailing off with a shrug as they got to her car. She met Jay on the passenger side, opening the door for him. “Yeah?” he asked, a sneaky smile forming.

Hailey gave a dramatic sigh as he continued. “Rides, jackets, doors opening for me….Like I said, I could definitely get used to this”

“Like _I_ said, don’t.” she deadpanned, as she closed the door and walked around. She slid in the front seat and closed her own door. Starting the car, she turned to him as she pulled forward, “And you have to bring the coffee.”

“I can live with that” Jay snarkiy surmised. “Deal”

_Yep,_ Hailey thought as she made the short drive over to Molly's. _Be an adult. Be his friend. Be his partner. I got this._


	4. partners in question, partners in fact

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place at the beginning of The Devil You Know. Hailey gets called out on her questioning of Jay's backing her. She could be defensive, argue, be angry, or she can open up, be his partner, be his friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has left kudos and comments. So, so, so appreciated!! Dick Wolf owns these characters, not me.

They’d prepped for this, Vanessa’s first independent undercover buy. Adam and Jay stood away from the van that housed all of their equipment and was good cover for Burgess’ status as a telecom worker. She sat in the rear of van getting ready.

“Pregnant and undercover. It's a good name for a reality show.” Jay mused as he and Adam watched her from farther back of the sub level garage.

“Ha. Yeah, I'm not gonna lie to you, man, this whole thing makes me nervous, but she loves the job. She wants to get as much time out here as she can before she's got to go on light duty, so here we are.”

Jay wondered how they were going to make it work. Being together while working together was one thing, difficult but doable he thought. He’d heard. The trick here was that they really weren’t together. But they’d be parents together--have a baby, the thought just about short circuited his mind. 

“Mm,” Jay grunted. “I’m still trying to picture a Baby Ruzek.” He grinned at Adam. A baby Adam was insane to think about and made him laugh every time that he did.

“Thanks man,” Adam accepted the comment facetiously. “You know I’m hoping it’s all Kim too.” He joined Jay in the crazy thoughts of him having a kid, of a kid being his. “But I guess crazy shit happens all the time though right?” The question went unanswered as Jay’s eyes flitted to movement back at the van.

Hailey had appeared from around the side and Jay’s mind froze while his heart skipped. As much as things had been the same since he’d returned to full duty he couldn’t deny that something had changed, something between him and his partner. She hadn’t said or done anything to tell him so, but comparing things like her visits with him in the hospital, doing their thing after cases, her easy demeanor with him, and now, he could see it clearly. Hailey was all in his partner he knew but there was distance now outside of that and he didn’t know why. What he did know was that it unsettled him. And the only person that he could talk to, would want to talk to about it, was the one he couldn’t.

He sighed as everyone gathered up and reviewed the plan before taking their various places around the Chicago bus station to execute it.

Everything was going smoothly until Hailey, from her second-floor vantage point, got a better look through her camera lens of the guy Vanessa was making the deal with. “Wha..?”

Quickly she calculated the options. “No. Do not approach.” she directed into the comm on her collar, immediately canceling the takedown and resetting all the pieces in play.

She grimaced as she heard Adam question her command. “What’s the story here, Hailey?”

Then Jay piggybacked which irked her even more. “He’s coming right at me. What’s the play?”

“I repeat, _Do not engage_.” Thoughts stomped through her brain, Adam asking for clarification, Jay questioning her call, vision of Kelly Tyler beside Vanessa, the unpleasant memories of Kelly Tyler and a night at the academy. The date she’d said no to but he hadn’t accepted. She pushed the last part away and focused her frustration instead on the easiest targets, Adam and Jay. Jay.

“Regroup,” she iced over comms and pulled her phone out as she made her way back to the van. She needed to call Voight and update him on the status of the play. In typical Voight fashion he’d kept it simple, didn’t want to hear it over the phone, he’d be there in 15.

Hailey was the first one back at the van with an upset Vanessa second. Hailey had just called up the picture on the laptop, having run the suspected name to see if it was a match.

“What the hell?” Vanessa fired off. “It took me weeks to get in there, we had a plan.”

Hailey agreed with her. “Yeah, we didn't plan for one thing. Your dope dealer? He's a cop.” She turned the screen around to show the picture of her dealer, this time in his blues. It was a match.

Once the rest of the unit was gathered they started their initial unit debrief, going over where any confliction with any other department could have happened. Hailey had done her due diligence, confident that she hadn’t skipped any steps when setting this whole thing up.

Once Voight arrived at the scene they went over all of the steps they’d already taken, the records they’d gone over, the units they’d deconflicted with. There was only one box that hadn’t been checked that could be a reason for Kelly Tyler to be doing this deal with Vanessa today.

Jay backed her up Hailey’s assertions. “There’s nothing that suggests he’s here in any official capacity.”

Hearing him say those words made up for the questioning of her call earlier. She shot him a quick look, one that showed a moment of softness, of surprise, of gratitude. Jay saw and was taken aback by it. He kept quiet about it for now.

“You’re saying he’s dirty.” Voight read between the lines, still uncertain, knowing the size of scale an accusation like this was.

Hailey wasn’t ‘saying’ anything. She was only working in reporting facts. “We’re saying what we know to be true. We have no reason to believe Kelly Tyler was here working today. He was selling heroin.”

This was going south fast. Calling cops dirty was a big ask. It couldn’t happen with just the information they had at hand. They needed more. A lot more. He tasked them with more fact finding, agreeing to an update meeting later on that evening back at the district.

“ **Hey**. What was that?” Jay called, catching up to Hailey at her car as she laid her gear inside the trunk and closed it firmly. She caught the irritation in his voice.

“What was what?”

“Briefing Voight back there. I don’t know, you looked over at me like you were---- surprised by what I said?” Even saying it out loud now it didn’t make any sense to him.

_Oh.that._ “Yeahh, you backed me.” she paused. “Thank you.

“You’re thanking me for backing you up? Hailey, isn’t that we do?”

“I don’t know, is it?” The words had flown out of her mouth before she could think about it. _Whooo_ , the thought to herself. _Hello subconscious thought_.

“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?” Jay’s anger was sparking, he took this personally the thought that he didn’t back his partner, didn’t back _her_.

“Jay—forget it. Just—thank you.” She tried to make for the driver’s side door but Jay moved and stood in her way.

“Hailey, when have I not backed you? Is that what you think, that I didn’t? When?”

Ohhh, this was so not a conversation she wanted to have, much less here in this garage where voices carried.

“Keep your voice down,” she hissed. “Get in the car.”

Hailey side stepped around him and swiftly sat in her seat, waiting for him to take his.

Jay waited a few breaths, trying to calm himself. She hadn’t said no, hadn’t told him he was crazy to think she thought that. If there was one thing that Hailey should always have believed in it was his steadfast support of her. Because, yes she was his partner, but also because she was her. The thought that she _didn’t_ …he didn’t want to finish the thought.

He walked around to the other side and slipped in beside her. He looked down at his lap, speaking sharply but trying to stay calm. “Do you think,” he took a breath. ”there was a time. that I didn’t back you.” He wanted to know but it didn’t sound like a question.

Hailey leaned back, resting her head against the headrest. ‘I think,” she blew out a gentle breath and began slowly, choosing her words with extraordinary care, not wanting to encourage the argument. “Jay, that sometimes, as important as our---our partnership is, tha-“

“When did I not back you” he interrupted.

“Jay. I don’t have a list,” she assured him, trying to calm him, assure him.

“ **Hailey**.” he snapped out her name and immediately regretted it. He watched her eyes widen as he used a tone with her that he hadn’t in years, not since the infancy of their partnership. He tried again, not letting the edge be as apparent. “when did I not back you?”

“When I call out a play--,” she began, keeping her voice firm. If honesty was what would calm him, end this, she could work with that. “When I call a play, you don’t question it, Jay. Especially not over comms. If you want to question my decisions—“ she stopped short, taking a breath and started again. “That was no life or death set up out there, I had the lead and it was my call to make. You don’t break off from my call.” She stopped. “When you do that Jay, you are _not backing me_.”

Jay’s brow was furrowed as he listened to her. He got it, got what she was saying. But that wasn’t what was causing his confusion.

He sat with her in silence for a moment, going over all of this in his mind. His voice was quiet when he spoke. Gentle. “What’s going on here, Hailey?” he paused. “What’s going on with us?”

She shook her head, not knowing what he was talking about. For Jay to ask that question in that way stripped her of any anger she’d held on to. She didn’t know how to respond to his question. Things had been different between them, she knew that for sure. They were partners. Now _just_ that. She’d withdrawn from their friendship, their thing no longer a thing, no pranks or jokes, working well together because she _did_ trust him, _would_ follow him, but she still felt that love for him and wouldn’t let him see it.

Jay went on. “If today had been last month, … if I questioned your call then, you would have been in my face about it immediately. There’s no way you’d have let that slide—and _appreciate_ it when you think I did back you?” He’d said the word like it was ridiculous. “Shit Hailey, I gotta tell you I’m so lost here.”

Hailey sighed. She was calm. So weirdly proud of Jay for opening up to her, for saying how he felt, but it hurt too knowing she could only give back half of his honesty, his openness. “Jay, our partnership means so much to me—“

He growled and pushed back in his seat before turning to her She could feel the frustration, the aggravation rolling off of him. “Hailey, yes, you’re my partner, and we are---we used to more than that, we were _friend_ s.” His eyes were becoming moist, Hailey could see it even as they sat in her dark car in this dim sub level garage. She could see it through the blur of the wetness of her own eyes. “Hailey you’re….you’re my best friend.” Jay admitted, sounding defeated, small. “But it’s like you’re gone, and I don’t know why”

A tear made it past her reserves and she used the knuckle of her thumb to wipe it away. Tentatively, she reached out to put a hand on his. “I’m right here, Jay” she whispered. Her heart was breaking both for how he was showing her his feelings, opening up to her in a way she never would have thought possible once upon a time, and because she knew, she _knew_ that what he was saying was one hundred percent true, and that she was one hundred percent the cause.

More tears followed the first and now they fell from her other eye as well. Hailey couldn’t look at him, see what she’d done, could only whisper as she watched her hand on his, “I’m sorry Jay. I’m so sorry.” They sat like that for a few minutes, neither one saying anything until Hailey took her hand back, sniffed, and started the car. “C’mon,” she said quietly while she buckled up.

“Where are we going?” Jay was still slightly reeling, not intending to have said what he said, and definitely hadn’t expected the gentle response or the apology. He was sure they’d been walking some kind of a wire, and were about to fall far and hard without a net.

“We’re going back to my place,” she replied, quietly and strong. “We’re gonna do our thing.”

Jay watched her profile as she drove them up to the ground level, feeling as though they too were heading in an upward direction. _Their thing_. It had been a long, long time. He continued to watch her, not fully aware of the small smile that was making its way along his lips. He’d opened up to her and she hadn’t been defensive, nothing was made worse. They were on their way to better. Hailey Upton could always surprise him.

They sat in the dimmed light of her kitchen, both at the island, each with a glass of scotch. They’d drank the first in silence, easing back in to this tradition. Now they were more than midway through their second.

“Why’d you question it?” Hailey asked.

“Huh?”

“My call today. I get Adam. But you questioned me, why?”

Jay had just swallowed some of the amber liquid, enjoying the slightly smoky burn as it went down his throat. “Nothing was out of the ordinary. It was an out of the blue call.”

She rolled the glass between both hands, thinking about his response. She saw his point. Only she knew Kelly was a cop and she hadn’t offered that information. She wrestled with her call now, wondering if they could have still taken him down. He wouldn’t flip on anyone, wouldn’t give them anyone bigger, but still a dirty cop gone was a dirty cop gone.

“Hey,” his voice startled her. Two scotches and lost in her thoughts, it wasn’t hard to do. “Don’t do that. You’re questioning your call. It was yours to make and you did it. It’s done.”

She huffed out a laugh. “You’re still good at this” she acknowledged. Then clarified at his look, “winding down the day, helping me clear my thoughts. This thing—“ she gave a wry smile, looking at her glass.

“Yeah. It does seem to work.” He agreed. “Hey where’s Rojas?” It was late and there weren’t any other sounds in the house.

Hailey shrugged. “Asleep maybe? Or out? I’ll let you in on a little secret-- Officer Rojas has a personal life.” She smiled, ruefully.

Jay was impressed. That was hard to do, hard to have, in their line of work.

Hailey was topping off both of their glasses. “Guess it’s good I didn’t drive” He took a sip, smiling.

“You’re staying here tonight.” She told Jay matter of factly.

“Hailey.” She loved when he said her name that way. “There’s this app on my phone that sends me a car wherever I am—“

“Shut up” she grinned. “I know about ubers and lyfts. But you’re staying. You and me, we’re having a sleepover Jay Halstead.”

“A sleepover.” He repeated.

“Mm hm, it’s what best friends do.” She told him from behind her glass as she took a small sip.

She could see him thinking about it. “You’re not gonna try and do my hair or anything are you?”

She choked out a laugh, caught completely by surprise by that. “Like I could do anything with this hair!” she reached out running a hand through it, roughing it up a bit before slowing her hand, still tangled in the short strands. She realized what an intimate gesture it was turning in to and she slowly withdrew her hand. Jay was just watching her. She closed her eyes, not willing to get lost with him in moment. She looked down in to her glass, and murmured “sorry”.

A moment passed before Hailey spoke up. “But I bet you _could_ use a hydrating mask.”

The next morning Hailey found Jay in the living room, folding up the blankets and pillow in a pile on the coffee table. He was in just his jeans. No shirt, no socks, no shoes. She stared for a moment, the muscles moving in his back, the side of his torso, appreciating the sight, feeling the physical effects it had on her. Thoughts were swirling, things she wanted to say, wanted to touch, wanted to feel…

“Hey,” he turned, catching her. “Morning.”

Hailey shook herself, mumbling out a ‘morning’ in return, turning before the blush on her cheeks was too obvious. “Coffee?”

Jay followed her, pulling on his shirt. “Always.”

She smiled as she filled the keurig and pushed the button that would fill the small carafe. Why did she even ask?

Jay took a seat at the counter and watched this version of Hailey that he’d never seen before. The morning version. Sleepy, bed headed, sleep shorts and t shirt. Briefly he wondered what she’d look like in _his_ t shirt. Just his t shirt. The sound of the coffee being brewed brought him out of his reverie to find Hailey watching him. _Crap._

“You sleep ok?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he nodded, looking back toward the living room. “Couch was great.”

Another set of footsteps was heard coming down the stairs and toward the kitchen. “That coffee smells ahMAYz—“ Vanessa stopped cold as she looked at Jay and Hailey in the kitchen. Was he wearing that shirt yesterday? And Hailey in her…whatever you called what she slept in. “Good morning Jay” she said very cautiously, barely attempting to hide her smirk. “Hailey”

They both knew exactly what she was thinking. Hailey grabbed 3 mugs and poured, pushing 2 toward them.

“Hey” she greeted, not giving an explanation. Why bother. Vanessa would think what she wanted to anyway. Though she did smile at that thought and caught her partner’s eye as she did. He got it too. Hailey sipped her coffee for a moment. “I’m going to start getting ready. Leave in 30?” she said to Jay. “Drop off or district.”

“District.” he had extra clothes in his locker.

“Deal” she said, smiling as she took her coffee and padded out of the room. That left Vanessa and Jay at the island.

She turned to him, sly grin on her face. “Nice to see you this morning.”

Jay could only huff out a laugh as he turned, taking his own mug with him, and walked in to the living room.

“Mmm hmmm” Vanessa hummed to herself as she smiled and drank her coffee.


	5. The devil you know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hailey has to deal with Darius Walker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These are not my characters. Thank you for the kudos and feedback. :-)

It had started out as such a nice morning, waking up with Jay in her home, feeling like she was on track to being able to align her feelings for him in a way that she could still maintain a close friendship. Last night had been a Go Big or Go Home moment for her. And she’d been able to Go Big, enjoying her time with Jay, being close without feeling like she was about to ruin it by telling him everything, or closing herself off to him.

But then they’d followed up on the Kelly Tyler connection, everyone in place, she and Vanessa in the truck, eyes on the offenders showing up to make this new deal.

Vanessa had the camera, taking pictures of those showing up. Hailey had the binoculars, id’ing them over the 2 way.

Hailey saw the third person walk up but her brain couldn’t quite make the connection to her mouth, to say his name

Vanessa did it for her. “That’s Darius Walker. Holy crap!”

Hailey’s world had slowed to stop then picked back up in a weird jumble of moving pieces. Through the binoculars she saw the walking, shaking hands, the exchange of words.

“You got that right.” She didn’t know why she was so surprised. He was a big player in a world in which she worked. He’d been put on paper as Voight’s CI. She should have expected to see him again at some point. Should have. But she hadn’t.

With Darius as a new player, the team put a new plan in place.

They met in the relative secret of the basement. No cameras, no outside eyes or ears. They went over various pieces of the plan one more time. Once they had it solid, the team disbanded and went to tackle their respective parts. Hailey and Jay would be driving the drugs to the spot where Trudy would pick them up. Having it transfer inside the district opened it up to too many eyes, too many opportunities for things to go sideways.

“Hailey,” Vought stopped her. She looked up from the bag Jay had filled with the requisite bricks of drugs, and was zipping it closed. “You okay with this?”

“With what?” Hailey knew exactly what he meant but the conversation was a non-starter for her. She was well-aware on which side of the line everyone stood.

“This play is tough enough without triggering an old beef. Can you work with Darius Walker?”

She huffed out a short breath, open with her disdain over the situation. The heated debate she’d had with the team about not working with him was burned in to her memory. She’d asked, begged, to not continue to work with him after Cameron had been killed. And yet they had. And still did.

“Last time I checked, this wasn’t a democracy.” She would follow her boss, her team. She didn’t have to like it, she just had to do it, it was her job. Her eyebrows raised at what she thought was an obvious answer as she pulled the heavy bag up, and walked out to meet her partner.

She huffed the large bag in to trunk of the SUV they were using tonight, then took her spot in the passenger seat.

“What’d Voight want?” he questioned. It hadn’t been lost on him that she hadn’t followed when they were dismissed, and as he’d turned back down the stairs to find her he’d heard Voight say her name, calling her to stay.

She sighed. “Wanted to make sure I was okay to work with Darius.” She told him, settling in her seat.

“Are you?” he asked, dead serious.

“What do you think?” Hailey retorted, equally serious.

Jay didn’t have an immediate answer.

She just wanted to drop it. It didn’t matter if she was ok to work with him. She had to.

“Let’s go,” Hailey's eyes scanning out the windshield.

Everything went as planned, and Voight got the call from Darius that the deal was on. They were meeting up with him first, for Voight to go over the plans with his CI, and Hailey had been tasked with setting up his wire.

The two of them sat in the dingy motel room. Hailey attempted professional civility. Darius attempting smooth and casual.

She perched on the desk across from him, adjusting the tech.

“I need to test your wire. Talk to me for a sec.” She handed him the small device, as she kept on ear to the headphones, seeing what the audio status was. “I understand you have plans for going straight. Heard you bought a mall?”

He chuckled. “A strip mall, big difference. It's an urban renewal kind of thing. All about access.”

“Yeah. You're a real hero, Darius. Give me that back.” She deadpanned, flicking her fingers, asking for the device back. She didn’t want to engage with Darius any more than she had to, but she also had a question, a receipt, burning away to be given to him. She pushed forward with it.

“Do you remember a guy named Cameron Balow?

“Yeah.” Darius knew. He’d known the boys connection to this detective of Voight’s. He hadn’t cared at the time, too concerned with his own well being. Even now, he was sorry for her loss. But not sorry he'd done what he needed.

“He was my CI. Like you're Voight's CI, he was mine. Sort of like we came up together. Two sides of the same street.” She readjusted his mic and handed it it back, continuing on. “He saw your face, so you had him killed. He died right in front of me. So you tell yourself whatever story you want to about the life you think you're living. But don't forget the truth--The truth is, you're the kind of man that has people killed just because they saw your face.”

“Wrong place, wrong time.“

“Mm. Just some bad luck.” Her disdain for him, for that response, evident.

“Well, now, if you believe in luck, that means you believe that the universe gives a damn about your fate. There's no luck on the streets. Only choices. One after the next. Young Cameron, he made a bad choice.”

Hailey wasn’t buying this man’s bullshit. Not for a second. “Mm.”

“He wasn't unlucky. He was foolish.“

“Fascinating.” She continued to stare at Darius, listening to his excuses, his philosophy, as she saw Cameron’s last second of life flash before her a few more times. That would never go away.

Voight walked in to the room to the sight of his detective radiating anger, staring at Darius Walker and not batting an eye, not standing down, not afraid. Hailey would not break eye contact first. She would be the Alpha. Show him that she wasn’t intimidated by him. Didn’t give a shit about his urban renewal plans, his hopes for the neighborhood, his nonsense about life on the streets.

Voight had thought that pushing her to work with Darius directly might be good for her. He hadn’t thought about if it would be good for Darius. “Are we good with the overhear?”

She still wouldn’t break. One sneer on her face as she looked away from him was all she gave as she packed up the wire. “All set.”

Voight watched her as she left, wondering about her ability to continue with this play. 

.

Hailey was waiting for Voight inside the district as he knew she would be. She joined him as they walked past the Sargeant’s desk in the lobby. “How’d it go?” She’d been pacing, wondering, imagining how the meeting with between him and Crawford had gone. Everything had gone to plan until it the ping orders had come through and Kim got to work on finding the dirty cops' locations. They were together again in the same spot as their last meet. They geared up and headed over only to find shell casings littering the floor and 6 dead bodies. Darius knew that Voight had had to out him as a CI. As a result, he put in to play such a string of events that they now had nothing. T

“So that’s it?” she asked as they cleared the top step and walked in to the bullpen.

“That’s it.”

_No, this made no sense_. “Crawford declares them heroes,and everyone washes their hands of it???” She didn’t want to ask the next part. There was a reason he hadn’t mentioned it. “And Darius?” Her question came out small. Needing to ask it, not necessarily ready for the answer

“And Darius?” he repeated. “They’re cutting him loose.” He ripped the band-aid right off.

The smallness of Hailey’s question was replaced by incredulous anger.“ **_What_**?!” This couldn’t be happening.

“He’s a free man.”

“He _screwed_ us. He screwed _you_. _”_ She pointed at Voight. He couldn’t take that, that level of disrespect. He was a CI. He worked for the police, for Voight.

“You got that right.”

“So after all this, the only winner here is _Darius.Walker_?”

“Well there’s an old saying--some cases are better left unsolved.”

Hailey was fuming. Quietly. Savagely. She locked eyes with her boss. “Not this one.” Hailey challenged.

“Yeah, this one.” Voight retorted. Hailey needed to stop here and drop this now.

“Go home Hailey. It’s over.”

She couldn’t speak, she had no words for this. He was letting it go, asking her to, agreeing with Darius walking away. Again. It made absolutely no sense at all.

“It’s over.” he repeated.

She turned on her heel and stalked out. _No_. she thought to herself. _No. It’s not_. She just didn’t have a next move yet, her mind was moving too fast. She banked a hard left and went to the locker room, trying to focus, feeling only fire and anger. She stood in front of the mirror, not seeing, gripping the sink with both hands turning white. A growl of frustration leaving her and echoing in the empty room. Hailey turned around, letting the sink behind her hold her up. Her hand made a fist and found the wall behind her, hitting it repeatedly.

Her anger was still hot, undiminished, as she stood there breathing heavily.

The room was hot, stifling her. Hailey needed to get outside, put her face in the wind, feel the cold. She blindly pushed forward, stalking her way through the bullpen, and had started toward the stairs, passing Kevin as he’d just come in.

“Hey” he greeted her.

“Hey.” she returned, an idea already screaming in her brain before she took the first step down. She turned back to Atwater, mulling the idea over, and went to his desk.

“Did we get an ID on the guy we took down at the foraging plant?” She leaned down and over Kevin’s desk.

“Yeah,” Kevin pulled the file out and opened it to her. “Here you go. South Side Hustler. One of Darius Walker’s guys.” 

Hailey’s eyes flicked to Voight’s office, making sure her voice was quiet, that he didn’t see this. _This couldn’t be over **,** Not like this_. “And the other two? The ones that were already dead? We got addresses on them right, South Side Hustler turf?”

“Right, they all lived around Ogden Park.”

“Ok.”

“Why? What’s up?”

“Nothing. Thanks.” She was already moving, heading fast to her car, the information she’d just seen locked up in her memory. This wasn’t over. But she was going to end it.

“Alright” But Kevin had a weird feeling. Hailey had been off here and there he’d noticed, hell they all had. But this just now, she was barely keeping herself still, he could see the hunger for information, the carefully calculated calm she could barely control. Something was up with Hailey Upton. He picked up his phone and pushed a contact name, having to wait only one ring before the call was picked up.

“Hey,” he began. “I’m not sure what’s going on but Upton just sniffed out some info on Darius Walker’s guys.”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“I don’t know man, but it just didn’t feel right. She was asking about the forging plant, where those guys had come from. Jay, they were all South Side Hustlers.” Darius Walker’s guys. He knew he didn’t need to say it. “I don’t know what she’s doing but I don’t know if she can keep it together man, she was all over the place.”

“Shit,” Jay sighed. He knew Haley. She was heading over there. “Thanks Kev. Do me a favor and ping her phone, send me her location when it’s solid.”

“You got it.” Kevin hung up and got to work.

Hailey knew Voight’s position on this, but what he wanted her to do and what she needed to do were two very different things. There was no way in hell Darius could walk away from this. He was covered in dirt and blood, _layers_ upon _layers_ of it, and he was walking away completely clean. If no one else could take him down then she would make damn sure she took her shot.

She’d driven close the address she’d seen in the file Kevin showed her, knowing there was gathering corner close by. Hailey sat in her car going over what she’d do when she found the guys hanging out there, what she’d say. This was a big move for her. She sat and thought out all the ways it could go, focusing on the most probable, and wondered who she was that she could put this into play without feeling what she should she might, what she should.

Her hand went to the door handle but she couldn’t quite bring herself to pull it. To commit to what she was about to do. She let out a controlled breath and made herself pull.

Hailey only had to walk a little ways before she found the group of men huddled together. They saw her, recognized her, only a few seconds later and one immediately reached for a weapon hidden in his pocket.

“No, no, no.” She put her hands out to the side. This was the first place this could all go wrong.

“I just want to talk.”

They formed a semi-circle around her. “We don't talk to cops.”

She took a breath. “I want to talk to you about your people that got killed.”

“Y'all are the ones that killed them.”

“ I didn't. But I know that doesn't matter. I was there.” Here’s where she had to play her hand, hope it played well. “I want to know why they were there. Who hired them?”

“Why the hell you think I'm gonna help you figure out that?”

The words she’d practiced, vague but targeted, came out of her mouth. “Because I think the guy that got them killed was working with us.”  
  
Message received. Unintentionally of course.

“Ok,” Hailey feigned defeat. “Well—if you think of anything…” she trailed off, backing up. Hailey looked around the group, making sure she was safe to go.

Controlling her breathing, Hailey made her way back to her car. It was done. She couldn’t do anything else except hope it went the way she wanted. She’d just have to wait. Coming up on the corner near where she’d parked there was now another car with a familiar figure standing at the trunk. _Shit._

“You following me?”

“What the hell are you doing, Hailey?”

_Keep him out of it_ , her brain warned. “Doesn't concern you” her answer was softly curt.

“Yes, it does. Good or bad, right or wrong. You know it does.”

She’d go with what she knew would be in her report. “Okay. I'm investigating the murder of three police officers.”

“We were told to stand down. You were given a direct order by the superintendent of police. This could destroy your whole career or worse. So yeah, this concerns me.”

“I'm gonna figure out what the hell happened. And then I'm gonna take that case to Crawford and he can tell me to my face to stand down.” It was the easiest lie she’d ever told, making 100% sense to anyone who heard it. She was just a cop, a good cop, who couldn’t let go of the fact that three of her brothers had been gunned down. It was also the worst lie she’d ever told, telling it to Jay. But she had to give him deniability.

“20 different times, you have figured out a way to tell me don't get too close. I'm telling you, you're too close.”

Shit. Maybe he did know. She couldn’t agree with him, give him details in something she fiercely wanted him protected him. So she tried to appease him. “I'm okay, Jay.” She walked toward him, cementing her lie as she put a hand on his shoulder. “Go home, okay?”

_Don’t turn around, don’t turn around, don’t turn around_ , she chanted as she walked to her car and got in, purposely not looking in her rearview mirror. She knew Jay was watching her. She couldn’t invite more talking with him, telling him what she’d already done, involving him as her partner, as her friend. Her best friend. With her eyes continuing to look straight ahead she started the ignition, put on her headlights and pulled away.  
  


That night she ignored Jay’s texts and declined his calls. She couldn’t talk to him, to anyone, until she knew if that was over or not.

Laying in bed that night she tossed and turned, going over and over the first part of their exchange when she’d told him what she was doing didn’t concern him. “Yes, it does. Good or bad, right or wrong. You know it does.” She heard his voice over and over, wondering if what she’d done had potentially traded her justice for Cameron for her loss of Jay. When he found out, when he connected the dots, what the hell would she say to him, how would she face him? How could he ever look at her the way she loved, the way she so easily got lost, again? It had to happen, she told herself. She really didn’t have a choice. It was too many times. She had to take her shot.

She arrived at work exhausted. Lack of sleep coupled with thoughts of Jay, thoughts of what was going on with Darius at any given moment. She was mentally and emotionally drained. The price, she supposed, for taking her shot.

Trudy walked past her in the bullpen looking for Hank. Hailey knew then. Whatever had happened last night had been found. Reported. She watched and listened as Trudy gave Voight the cryptic message.

“Hailey? Jay? With me,” he called. Jay looked to Hailey to see if she knew what it was about but she wouldn’t meet his eyes. The walked in to his office for the rundown. “Darius Walker is dead.” She was quiet, realizing he didn't have any details. They were going with him to the scene. She opted to drive alone, spending the ride trying to decide the right reaction to have when she got there, but she hadn’t been prepared for what saw. The brutality of it. Darius stabbed, tied to the pool table, tortured, 8 ball in his mouth, dead rat hanging above him.

Hank looked at the scene in front of him, taking it all in. He looked over to Hailey, finding a paled reaction but there was no surprise registered. 

She went to a bar immediately afterward and ordered a double. She sat, waiting for the need to drown her guilt with the liquid in front of her. But it wasn't coming. Sure, she was troubled by what she'd seen. But live by the sword, die by the sword. He'd finally gotten justice. She sat, questioning how she moved on from here. Just go back to her regular routines? Pretend she hadn't done what she did? She was mulling it over when a shadow appeared beside her. Should've know. One pinged phone and here he was, taking a seat in the booth in front of her.

“You had to know." he began. "Ask those questions in that neighborhood. You had to know there was a good chance something like this would happen.”

She began her rehearsed story. “I was just working a case. Investigating the murder of 3 police officers. If someone misinterpreted one of my statements I can’t help that. And If it worked out that out a bad thing happened to a bad person because of that misinterpretation-well--I learned from the best.” Something her boss said to her a long time ago had always stuck—. _You’ll never have to explain something you didn’t see or hear_. She would gift him, Jay, her team with the same, even if it wasn't direct. Whatever she had done last night she’d never let it fall upon her unit.

“Hailey. Want to know what keeps me awake at night? --Nothing. I do what I do because I can, because something inside me, I turned it off a long time ago. Hailey, you do something like this you don’t turn that part off, it will eat you alive.”

If he only knew how close she already was. But she was so glad he didn’t. That no one really did. She didn’t know if she even knew, only that she didn’t really even care.

The only sleep she had lost last night wasn’t because of what she hoped, what she knew, she’d put in motion. Her lack of sleep had to do with her feelings about Jay showing up, being there when she turned the corner, leaving him the way she had. He wanted to help but she couldn’t let him be a part of this. His heart was too good, while hers was…she didn’t know what hers was. She considered herself a good person but in this Darius matter…she didn’t know what she was. He was responsible for _so much_ and continually walked away from all of it unscathed. Something, someone, had to touch him. He had to answer for the things he had done. It turned out, hers had been the magic one.

Her words, her tone, her mannerisms. All of it screamed wrong to Voight. “Have a little faith, Sarge. I’ll get there.”

She already sounded committed. “That’s what I’m afraid of.”


	6. On a jar of secrets the cap becomes loose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the aftermath of violence Jay and Hailey begin to see their spark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't own any of it. Thank you to everyone who has commented and left kudos. :-) <3

They’d caught the armed robbery case, that had turned in to a murder case with a side helping of domestic violence. They didn’t work dv cases but Jay felt compelled to help the woman who was really the only connection to the suspect. It was the only angle they could work. Hailey wasn’t thrilled but she wasn’t in a position to argue it.

Jay couldn’t keep himself in control, not when he heard what was going on behind the closed doors of the house they were watching. The house where Michelle lived with her husband and daughter. He jumped up, wanting to run when they fought, Hailey’s words and hand on his arm the only thing stopping him. But it wasn’t easy. And for Hailey, aside from listening to the familiar form of arguing it was also hard for her to watch Jay’s turmoil over it.

She could tell herself, and him, that they were just words, just arguing, just yelling, over and over again, but neither one really believed it. There was always the promise of something else lurking just behind them, the promise that something, anything could happen, something that could hurt.

And now they’d blown the arrest. Jay couldn’t not act when he heard the yelling, the smashing this time. Hailey had asked him to stand down but he couldn’t. Hailey knew it was a bad move, the wrong move. She could see the bigger picture here, how they needed to tolerate this to get to the other side, the side where they could take down the guy responsible for murder, the ones responsible for the armed robberies.

But Jay was reacting. He was her partner and she’d follow him anywhere. She was out of the car right behind him, announcing at the door. She saw immediately that they had nothing. She gave the lame excuse of someone calling in a concern, but there was nothing here. One broken vase on the floor, an upset wife and an irate husband. They couldn’t do anything about any of them. Hailey made a last ditch effort, asking Michelle, the wife, if her husband had hurt her. All she could come up with was that he grabbed her hand. Inwardly, Hailey rolled her eyes. This was nothing. But it would have to do. 

She called it in to Voight, letting him know that that the next piece of their play was now void. They’d arrested Shane Sullivan for battery. Needless to say Voight wasn’t pleased.

Back at the district, Hailey was pouring a coffee, desperate for the ability to focus up, be a bit more clear. Jay sought her out, wanting to again explain his position.

“We had no choice, Hailey.” he reminded her. “We had to go in 'cause who knows what that guy might've done?”

She did, she thought. And the answer was nothing that was bad enough to nullify the plan. It had just been yelling. Loud, somewhat ugly. On a scale of 1-10 she’d have placed it at a 1, maybe a 2. But Jay didn’t know that. He had no frame of reference, it was all bad to him, he just wanted to help, to save Michelle. But she wouldn’t say any of that to Jay. It wouldn’t do any good, wouldn’t change anything.

“Yeah. No, you're right.” she agreed instead. “We didn't have a choice.”

“Thank you.” For some reason Jay needed her validation, he was uncomfortable in his skin without it, needed to find her and explain again. He knew she was placating him, but still, he appreciated her willingness to back him, on paper, to their boss, to him. He’d heard bits and pieces of Hailey’s past, knew some form of abuse was part of it. He’d expected her to take a far more sympathetic stance at the situation Michelle Sullivan was in, but instead she’d taken a step back. She’d worked the case, every aspect of it, right beside him. But she wouldn’t step up to Michelle, make her feel at ease the way he’d seen her do with countless others. Instead she relayed information through him, through Voight. Regardless, he needed to hear her say she was good with his decisions.

He’d gone home shortly after that. Thought maybe he could unwind with a six pack and lose himself in something on tv. Instead, he’d just uncapped the bottle, snapping it across the room, when his phone lit up and buzzed. He wouldn’t have answered it except the name Hailey was on the screen.

“Jay,” she started, urgency in her voice. “Michelle Sullivan didn’t show in court. Shane is out, probably on his way home or already there.”

He knew what she was wasn’t saying. He was going to take out his anger on being arrested, locked up, sent to court, all of it, on her. “On my way,” he told her, putting his beer down.

“Meet you there” she said and disconnected the call.  
  


Arriving at the house, Jay noticed the door ajar. Cautiously he entered, calling Michelle’s name. He found her, crouching by a wall, her face bruised and red from obvious blows. He was able to convince her to come with him, feeling like he was nearly pleading with her, part of his brain simply not understanding why she wasn’t running for the door. They were stopped by Shane coming down the stairs.

“What are you doing in my house? Get away from my wife” Shane sneered, coming toward them.

He put Michelle behind him. “You take another step closer I’m gonna knock your ass out”

“She’s not going anywhere—“Shane began, moving toward Michelle.

Jay put his hands out, pushing against his chest, causing the man to swing.

Jay blocked the punch easily then had the offensive, and did his own swinging. He had him face up on a rug, punching Shane repeatedly, doing to him what he’d done to his wife. He lost himself in it for a moment stopping when he caught Michelle’s look. The one that was so used to the violence that she wasn’t upset by the scene before her. Sirens came closer and blue lights shone swirling through the windows. Jay was done. Michelle walked to the door and he followed her out of the house, leaving Shane alone on the floor.

Hailey waited at the table. Jay had texted earlier saying he was taking Michelle and her daughter to the airport and that he was going to need a drink when the last piece of the case was finally in place. She texted back later, telling him where to meet her.

He walked in just as their drinks arrived.

“I ordered you a double.” she told him. She was glad this case was over. It had been especially difficult for him and hard for her to watch him make his way through it.

“Thanks” he sipped the whisky and sighed.

“So?” Hailey asked, wanting the update.

“So,” he began, “Michelle is on a plane with her daughter, and her brother's gonna pick them up in Phoenix.”

“That's great. That's great news.” Hailey tried to be enthusiastic but knew she was falling flat. She didn’t know if Jay noticed but he didn’t say anything.

“It is if she stays away from Shane.”

Yep, that’s the key, Hailey thought. “All you can do is buy her the ticket. The rest is up to her.” It sounded so simple but it was so difficult, she knew. Even still.

Jay looked at her as though, Hailey thought, he felt sorry for her. She pushed away the feeling it brought up.

“I don't know how you went through this growing up.” He said and then looked away from her, not really expecting a response.

“Hmm” Hailey sipped her drink, mulling over what to say, if she wanted to say anything at all.

Jay was the one she was the closest to, out of everyone she knew or worked with. He had a general knowledge of her childhood but no real details. She could use it for work purposes, like a tool, but talking about it personally wasn’t a fun time for her. He’d tried so hard to help this woman, his heart leading the way the entire time. She could share a bit with him, maybe give him some context.

“Every situation's a little different.” she began, shrugging a bit. “My dad would come home drunk after being out all night. My mom would say something to him. He would snap.” In her mind she could hear the front door close, the stumbling, something being bumped in to, her mother’s voice, then the roar of her father’s voice, a blow landing and the voice of a reaction.

“I was little so I’d just put a pillow over my head to try to make it all go away. But you know, she would come downstairs the next day with a bunch of makeup on, trying to cover it up. You could still see the bruises.” She couldn’t make eye contact with Jay. Didn’t want him to feel sorry for her, feel pity, didn’t want to see if he did. She found herself continuing, briefly wondering if it was the whiskey in her glass or the company that was making her feel comfortable with the words tumbling out. 

“Every time, we would tell ourselves it was the last time. But, of course, it would happen again, and they were just in this terrible dance.” she paused and found she could look at him, wanted to share this part especially with him. So he would know. “But you know, I would close my eyes, and I would _wish_ that somebody would come in and just put him in his place. Do what you did.

You did a good thing, Jay.”

Jay’s eyes widened in surprise. Judging from the way Michelle Sullivan had looked at him after he’d punched her husband, he hadn’t been so sure. Violence was violence, right? Michelle hadn’t looked happy. She’d looked almost disgusted.

For now, he sidestepped it. Wanted to focus back on her. “So what happened to your mom? Where'd she go?”

Hailey sipped her drink and grimaced. From the alcohol or her answer he didn’t know. “Nowhere” she grimaced. “She's still with my dad.”  
  
Jay took a sip of his drink while he thought about what Hailey had just said. Her mom had stayed with her dad all these years… He wasn’t sure it was his place to ask but he did. “How do you deal with that?”

“Hm? Oh um, I guess I don’t” she gave a small shrug. “It’s not my problem anymore. We’ve put out hands, offered to help so many times but..she’s made her choice. We just..pretend, y’know…even still. Pretend we believe her stories, pretend we don’t see what’s under the makeup…” Her lips flattened into a straight line.

Jay couldn’t keep his eyes off of her. She’d never shared this much with him before. He prodded gently, not knowing when she’d shut it off again, thirsty for more. “So you see them?”

“Sometimes,” Hailey answered. “My mom sometimes, my dad…notsomuch but yeah, sometimes.”

“I’m sorry, Hailey,” Jay broached. “I’m so sorry that that was your childhood.”

“Don’t be,” she surprised him with that. “It’s not as easy as that. He could be great, he could be kind and gentle… It sounds like I’m making excuses but.. I’m not… people aren’t just one thing, all good, all bad…..I learned—learned how to deal with it.”  
  


“Hailey,” Jay shook his head, as if saying that she shouldn’t have had to.

“I wished a lot---for a long time, for someone to help when it was bad, to save… my mom. But no one did.” She made it sound simple, matter of fact but she spoke haltingly, so it’s couldn’t have been that easy for her. “I waited it out, waited to be old enough to leave--and when I could, I did. I’ve tried not to look back.” That wasn’t as easy as it seemed either. Her mouth twitched, belying the casualness of how she’d spoken.

“I wish I’d known you then,” Jay said softly.

Hailey let out a chuckle, imagining a young Jay Halstead, coming to her rescue, taking on her father. She was glad he didn’t, that he wasn’t ever in that position.

“It made me strong.” She mused. “Let me draw pretty clear lines about what’s okay and what’s not.”

He got the feeling she was done. It was the most about Hailey that he’d ever learned in a single sitting. He felt that they were taking steps forward, past just working together, past being just partners, even pushing past being just friends. It was terrifying and exciting and he’d be lying if he wasn’t interested, eager, to see what may come next.

He locked eyes with her a moment and nodded slightly, sending her a silent ‘thank you.’

That night they sat in the near empty bar, drinking and talking. A few times they’d looked at each other, the mood shifting and they both sensed it, but neither were ready to acknowledge it. Not yet. And not in this bar after dealing with the Sullivan family. 

They walked outside, shoulder to shoulder. Hailey looked at him questioningly as she noticed what he was doing, bypassing his truck to continue walking with her to hers. He simply gave a nonchalant shrug in response.

“So this was a night, huh?” she said, as they reached her car.

“It was,” he agreed. “And just think, we get to do it again tomorrow.” He smirked.

“It’s always a party.” She deadpanned, smiling.

He smiled at her, standing in front of her, shifting his feet in the wind, watching her hair swirl around her head, fighting the urge to move a tendril behind her ear.

Hailey was fighting her own urge. The one to place her hands on his chest and lean in to him. Feel the solid planes of his chest under her hands, rest her head there until he wrapped his arms around her. Then she’d look up at him, find him looking down at her and… She roused herself harshly.

“You good?” Jay asked, noticing the change.

She stammered but got out “Yeah, I’m good” in a mostly coherent manner.

“All right, well..” He inhaled, still watching her. “I’m gonna go.” He motioned with his thumb over his shoulder in the direction of his truck.

“Yeah,” Hailey nodded. “Okay. Drive safe.”

“See you tomorrow. G’night Hailey” Jay said softly, really not wanting to say good night just yet.

“Night Jay” Hailey replied, trying to hide her own disappointment in the night ending. She didn’t move though, her back still against her car, watching him.

Jay backstepped, still watching her, knowing this was a pretty obvious move to not leave. Hailey smirked at him and he was smirking back. They each knew a secret and they each knew, or at least had an idea, that it wasn’t really a secret. Not anymore.


	7. Sliding in to home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter. Hailey comes clean to Jay about everything as she gets ready to leave for NY.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing here belongs to me except for the errors. Hope it's not too choppy. this may be the first time I ever finished a multi chapter fic! woo hoo! Thank you to everyone who has read it. I hope you enjoyed it.

This case, this night, it had sucked everything out of her. Taking the time to come up with options, making the plan, surprisingly that had come easily. Quickly. But the pushing down of the voice inside of her asking what the hell she was doing, the vacillation between all of her emotions, the physicality of doing it,—getting to the car, opening the trap, placing the dope, disconnecting the brake light, checking her six, listening for sounds… It had drained her in every way possible-- Emotionally. Mentally. Physically. Personally.

Drowning out the voice of her own conscience had been tough both before and during. Hailey was surprised that she wasn’t as bothered by it afterward. She was maybe just too drained. Too empty. Then again, Voight had warned her that she’d have to turn a part of herself off to do these types of things or it would eat her alive. She wasn’t sure which one was in play—had she turned off that part or was it eating her alive? Had that part ever even been turned on? At the moment she couldn’t tell.

She sat in her car now, in the district’s lot, ignition off, simply sitting in the dark. She was so, so tired. She hadn’t been sleeping well, wasn’t eating well, probably drinking a bit too much—Hailey knew she was losing touch with who she was, in a way coming back to who’d she’d been so many years ago. The person who wanted revenge, justice against those who hurt others without consequence. She’d wished for that consequence, wished she was strong enough to be the person to bring it, had worked so hard to become it. And now here she was with the strength, the power, the knowledge to be that, both for herself and for anyone she believed needed it. Knowing this didn’t make her as happy or proud as she’d thought she’d be, in fact it scared her, terrified her to her core. But she’d started down this path, made active choices to step onto it, she knew she’d chosen this.

Finally, she made herself leave the car and make the short walk to the building. Instead of going upstairs thought she went down. Hailey spent time going through old files in the basement and working to keep her mind vacant of her earlier activities. She reached her limit of looking for absolutely nothing important, pushed away the stacks of folders, sighed deeply and stretched. After returning everything to its proper place she made her way back toward Intelligence, surprised to see the shift change had already happened. She’d lost track of time. Trudy nodded in surprise at her as she walked past her desk and scanned herself through the gate. Not the right time for Intelligence to be coming in but they operated on odd schedules sometimes, and Hailey often on her own.

She was walking slowly, high pony tail simply hanging, and had gotten halfway up the stairs when Adam started coming down. One second of his eyes on her face and he shot her a concerned look. She looked exhausted, drained, withdrawn, anything concerning would probably fit. The worst part he realized was that she was just wearing the look, as though there wasn’t a Hailey he knew under it. It was unnerving.

“Hey,” he stopped, the concerned tone in his obvious.

“Hey” she replied, continuing to move, feeling somewhat robotic.

“Hailey…Hey!” He reached out and grabbed her arm gently, stopping her. She turned to face him and he leaned in to her a bit, “Hey, you okay?”

Her automatic smile appeared on cue and she tilted her head. “I’m fine, Adam. Have a good night.” Playing casual should have been on her resume as a special skill.

He didn’t let her go, hand still on her arm. “You know I’m here right? If you ever want to talk…”

Her smile stayed put. “I do know. Thank you. But I’m good,” she assured him, a hand on his shoulder for emphasis.

Adam just watched her for a beat but dropped his arm and she started walking again. “Have a good night!” she walked up the remaining steps, a simple wave above her head. His words reached her just as she got to the top.

“Oh—Voight’s looking for you, wants you to stop in.”

Hailey’s feet paused briefly. Enough time had passed that word have would have spread about Gael’s arrest. “Got it, thanks.” She continued walking.

Adam watched her back as it disappeared around the corner up onto the floor of the bullpen, then took out his phone, and called the contact he’d called up.

He cleared the gate as the call connected.

“Hey man, it’s me. Listen I know it’s not my place and you can tell me to butt out but…is Hailey doing, okay?……..yeah, I don’t know, I just saw her and it was---She just wasn’t _her_. Kinda creepy…Yeah, she’s heading upstairs now, Voight was looking for her…..” Adam waved to Platt as he made his way out the front doors and headed to his own car, continuing to relay to Jay what he’d seen today.

Hailey made a slow walk to Voight’s office. Resigned to the talk that she’d known was coming.

“You wanted to see me?” It wasn’t so much of a question as she made the doorway.

Voight stopped what he was doing. “Shut the door. Sit down.”

Hailey blew out a breath, doing as he asked. _Here we go_.

“I just heard from Becerra. Patrol found two keys of dope in the trap in Gael's car... And she's gonna use our wire to build the case. Should be a slam dunk.” He watched for her reaction, getting none. He continued, “Oh, and Luis, he's gonna get the one-year deal in exchange for corroborating evidence, so...” he let that hang in the air.

None of what he’d said was said with happiness, excitement. This was just an update, letting her know that he knew. But she couldn’t break now. She played along. Barely.

“That's great. Finally caught a break.” Her voice came out soft and not nearly as strong as she’d hoped. It betrayed her.

“Yeah.” Voight simply stared at her. Wondering who this version of his detective was--when she’d shown up and how he’d missed it. “So this is something we're doing now? Planting dope? Creating evidence?” His voice was flat, non-accusatory. No need to accuse when you already know.

Hailey only took a second to answer but still she answered carefully. “If product was found in his car, it was his own product.”

“And you think that makes it better? Huh?”

Actually, she did. She hadn’t stolen from the evidence locker, hadn’t bought anything off the street, didn’t use the other resources at her disposal. “Gael got off easy. Luis deserved the deal.”

“Hailey, I understand why you did it. I'm not stupid.”

So her reasons _were_ valid, she surmised. That gave her a glimmer of hope that she wasn’t as far off her mark as maybe she’d hoped. Feared.

“Here’s a question for you. To get this deal for Luis, to feel that _your own_ sense of justice was served, how far were you willing to go, Hailey?”

She didn’t have an answer for that, couldn’t even begin to formulate all the things she could have done, might have done. It was too messy. She didn’t want to know what she was capable of.

Voight continued. “What line were you willing to cross? What were you willing to do? Jeopardize the whole wire? The entire case? Create some snag that gets one of your team hurt, dead?” And then he went low. “Hailey, what if it was Jay.” It wasn’t even a question. Her eyes flashed at that and Voight knew he’d hit paydirt. Maybe Jay was the key. “Do you understand you crossed the line? _Do you_?”

She was hearing him, but her mind was back a few seconds, picturing having put Jay in any kind of dangerous position. She’d been so careful to avoid exactly that. But that didn’t mean it couldn’t happen. The thought was short circuiting through her.

“Hailey, the problem with crossing lines... You cross enough of them, you forget where they are. You don't see them anymore.”

“I'm seeing just fine, sarge” she tried to assure him, as calmly as possible, not aware that to Voight it was more on the opposite end of the spectrum. She seemed detached.

“Yeah, okay.” He snapped lightly, done. He knew what she’d done, saw she wasn’t defending it, not apologizing for it, not taking any real responsibility for it. She was floating along in this conversation. Screw ups, no matter how big, he could understand. Wanting justice, payback, revenge, he understood. But you had to own it. Hailey wasn’t. She seemed lost in a fog where nothing was real unless you happened to walk into it, banged into it. “Well take a look at this. New York's FBI task force is looking for a loan out officer. I just signed you up. “

That took her by surprise. “What?” She hadn’t expected a true consequence. There were things he knew because he could connect dots but there weren’t any ties to her, no evidence trail. She was sure of that. She’d prepared herself for a lecture, some advice, a warning. But never an action.

“It's an assignment for a few weeks. Believe me, they do things different there. The lines, they are real clear.”

Her anger flashed. Sending her away was bullshit. Hypocritical in every sense of the word coming from him. “I did the same thing you would have done!” she shot.

And everything went flying off of Voight’s desk. “ **I don't want you to be me**!” he yelled.

Yelled in a way that she’d never heard from him before. Yelled in a way only one other in her life had, stepped up to her face, breathing hot breath as words became daggers. Her world froze just as it always had. Don’t defend, don’t run, don’t challenge, just accept. Let the word daggers slice through and exit out the back. The entry wounds would heal, she knew. Always with time, sometimes with slurred apologies, a balm applied by her mother’s hands. Voight continued as she had immediately reacted with retreating to the space inside, the place that reminded her of what to do, to not make it worse, helped her to hide as her body took blows and her mind took insults. 

“That's **_my_** job! **_Your_** job is to be **_you_**!” He paused, watching her, trying to walk back some of the anger, the force. He saw her lack of reaction even to this. “Hailey, I'm starting to wonder if you can do it.”

She continued to sit, hearing everything but numb to it all. She had nothing to say. It wouldn’t matter. He knew what she’d done. “All right, Platt's got the details. Flight leaves tomorrow. Have a safe trip.” She’d been dismissed.

She was slowly coming back to herself. Realizing where she stood with her boss. Rather, no longer stood. She couldn’t help the mild eye roll as she stood, then slowly walked out the door.

Hailey walked in her front door, still in mostly a daze. Hearing Vanessa’s voice roused her a bit and she realized she didn’t remember driving home. She was on auto pilot.

She gave her roommate a soft smile as she came up to her. “Hey.”

“Hailey, hey, where’ve you been? Jay’s been calling…where’s your phone?”

“My phone?” Hailey repeated, pulling the device out of her pocket. 11 missed calls. 8 texts, 6 from Jay, 2 from Vanessa. “Oh. Sorry.”

“Are you okay?” Vanessa was concerned, following Hailey as she walked in to the kitchen.

“Yeah,” she tried to assure, faking that she was ok and failing pretty well at it. “I was still at the district. Voight wanted to talk to me.”

Vanessa paled. “W-was it about me?” she began. “I’m so sorry Hailey I never wanted anything to come back on you.”

Hailey held up a hand, asking for Vanessa to stop. She realized that out of everything that happened tonight, her doctoring the log was one thing that hadn’t come out and she almost smiled at the thought. Ironic. “Vanessa, no, it’s fine. Nothing to do with you at all.”

She walked around the kitchen, uncertain of why she’d even come in here. She had to straighten out her mind. Focus.

“In fact, he…um, is sending me to New York. There’s an inter-agency training program that he signed me up for with the feds so….” She flattened her lips together. “I actually leave tomorrow.”

Whatever relief Vanessa had felt at hearing that Hailey’s meeting had nothing to do with her immediately dropped. This wasn’t a reward. She wasn’t sure if it was punishment but it was probably very close to an intended wake up call. Hailey was on very thin ice, pushing limits, stepping out of boundaries. She knew she didn’t know all of the details and didn’t really want to know. She already felt guilty about asking Hailey to add to the list of whatever transgressions she’d committed, to do what she did with the log.

“Hailey,” she whispered and her eyebrows raised. Sorrow, sympathy, worry, concern, were all evident on her face.

“It’s ok,” Hailey tried for fake positivity, not wanting pity. “I’m sure it’ll be good. I’ve never been to New York before so…yeah, such a great opportunity…” she trailed off, aware of the facetious tone that had crept in, aware that she wasn’t fooling anyone. Time to try and make a graceful exit. “I should probably pack.”

She’d only gotten a few steps when Vanessa spoke. Softly but with enough weight to have Hailey turn back to her, and listen. “When I first started here, literally on day one Hailey, we sat in the locker room at the district and you told me about the difference between undercover and Intelligence. You told me that here, it’s about teamwork--and trust. I see that,” She put a hand to her chest in emphasis. “I get that. And I know I haven’t been here that long Hailey but already, I know, this is not something I’d ever give away.” She paused for only a second. “Whatever reason Voight has for---signing you up for this—I really hope that it does go well. That you show them…you.”

Hailey listened, not wanting to argue, too tired to disagree. Besides, she remembered that conversation, remembered taking Vanessa under her wing that night, going to bat for her to Voight despite the red flags. She’d taken a chance on Vanessa and had never regretted it, was never made to question it. Maybe it wasn’t that she was too tired to disagree, maybe it was that she just couldn’t.

Vanessa dropped her voice. “I don’t want you to give it away Hailey. I want you to stay and I want to learn from you, learn to be the cop you are—“

Hailey snorted out a sardonic laugh and wiped at her face. “I don’t think Voight wants you learning anything from me.”

“Maybe not now.” Vanessa agreed, gently. “But from when I started, you’ve been an amazing mentor. Growing up without a family, without a consistent place to live, a mom or even a sister …Hailey you’ve given me everything I never had. You’re like a sister to me and I always thought, if I ever had a sister, a family, that I wouldn’t let it go. Please don’t let me go Hailey.”

Is that what it had come to? Hailey wondered. Choices? Did she get to make this choice and then just live her life? Probably not. There were consequences she’d have to pay, care about, if she chose wrong. And Hailey didn’t want to care. She wanted to retreat into herself to a place that was cool and dark and quiet. A familiar place.

There was nothing she could say to Vanessa in response. There were no promises she could make, no assurances. So she just nodded at her and gave her a fast smile, before she turned around and went upstairs.

Vanessa watched her go wondering where her place in this was, if she even had a place. She only thought about it for 10 seconds though, before reaching for her own phone. “Screw it,” she told herself softly as she hit the contact name she’d scrolled for and waiting for the call to connect.

Hailey had been laying on her bed for the better part of half an hour. She lay there quiet, staring ahead, unfeeling, curled up on her side. The ringing of her phone roused her as she missed the call. She looked around the room at the scattered duffle bags, random clothes, and toiletries strewn about, mostly without thought, before she’d run out of steam. So now, a pile of clothes beside her, she grabbed her phone. She checked Jay’s ‘text me’ and ‘call me’ texts, listened to his voice mails that all ended with “Hailey, call me.”

First she needed to finish packing, wrap her head around the fact that she wouldn’t be here tomorrow, that she wouldn’t see _him_ \---then she’d call him. She needed a few more minutes and instead began to scroll through the New York City news headlines, its weather, then back to the headlines until one in particular caught her eye. She clicked on the report that went along with it and sat up against her headboard, reading out loud. _Mack Lewis approached the crime with an uncanny sense of normalcy, perfectly happy to empty his trademark bolt pistol without so much as a wince. He seemed to be effectively invulnerable and resistant to any form of emotion or humanity. A lacking in the ability to_ _plan long term, coupled with his turbulent personal life and poor family relationships, helped lead him to become who he was._

“Well hello Mack Lewis, are you sure we’re not the same person?” she mused.

“That’s not a person,” she heard from the open doorway. “That’s a sociopath. That’s not you.”

She looked over to see Jay walking in to her bedroom, closing the door behind him.

Hailey just looked at him and sighed, choosing to ignore his comment. She put her phone on the nightstand and pulled her legs up to her chest as he stood by her bed.

“You may not have heard but I have plans tonight.” She indicated the clothes and duffle bags around her bed.

“Oh I heard.” He took a seat on the bed, knowing it was a weirdly intimate place for him to be. He bounced a bit. “Bet your hotel bed won’t be this firm.”

“I like it that way.” She ignored the ‘hotel’ part of his comment, silently acknowledging that he already knew she was on her way out. She grabbed a shirt from a pile beside her and began folding. Jay pulled the duffel bag by his feet, grabbed the folded shirt and dropped it inside.

She tried to ignore him, quietly folded another shirt and he did the same thing. She gave him a look and this time put the folded shirts to her left, out of his reach. When she had done 2 and reached for a 3rd, Jay gave her an exasperated look, twisted his body and reached over her. He grabbed the pile and dropped them in the bag as well.

“What the hell are you doing?” she asked him, kind of irritated, kind of curious.

“Teamwork,” he said simply. “You’re my partner. I’m helping you.”

“Yeah, well, looks like you’re about to have a vacancy.”

“Nah,” Jay leaned back on his arms a bit. “I’ll keep your spot warm. Not worried about it.”

Hailey rolled her eyes and turned her whole body to him, now sitting criss cross. “What’s going on here Jay? Why are you here? To make conversation? Because I’m not really in the mood.”

“Yeah, about that. I don’t really care.” He sniffed, seemingly unaffected by her packing, by her leaving.

“Excuse me?” she shot back.

“I don’t care. I.don’t.care. I don’t care that you’re not in the mood to talk, I don’t care that you don’t want to talk to me, I don’t really even care that you don’t care.”

Hailey was looking at him, confused.

“Listen,” he continued. “Like I said, you’re my partner. You need something? I got you. Even if it’s packing. You’re my partner but it’s a 2 way street, Hailey. I’m _your_ partner. You’ve fucked up.” he nodded lightly. “But it’s not my job to punish you for it or make you pay for it, or to tell you how you fucked up. You know it. You know how I feel about it. Voight handed out the consequence, that’s his job. I just want to be your partner…until you go.”

Hailey was moved. She tried to stand her ground though, keep her composure. “Do you know how stupid all that sounds?”

He smirked at her, full out.

“Let me guess, you don’t care.” she said.

“Nope.” He looked at the things she’d already packed in the bag and the things that were strewn and folded around. “You know you don’t need most of this, right? You’re going to the Feds. That’s Suit City.”

Hailey groaned. “I hate suits.”

“Get used to it. Besides, I bet you’ll look cute in ‘em.”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m going for.” Looking cute was as far from her mind as it could be. But he did have a point about everything she was packing.

“And it’s only a couple of weeks, right? Not months, not forever.”

The thought of going to New York had been so huge in her mind that she hadn’t thought past it. Voight hadn’t said she wasn’t coming back, couldn’t come back. The thought of not having a place in the 21st District, in Intelligence hit her. She’d been so focused on not looking ahead, only looking at what was right in front of her, that she hadn’t thought of the outcome of her going to New York. She suddenly felt so tired again, tired and small. “It’s not supposed to be.” she murmured. “But…”

Jay moved over a bit and she moved back up the bed, leaning back against the headboard again, giving him room.

“So it won’t be.” He grunted a bit as he too moved again, now sitting next to her, his back against her headboard. “Put in your weeks in the Big Apple and come back. I’ll put a reserved sign on your desk, and when you do come back, maybe work on getting your shit together again…” She rolled her eyes and lightly bumped her shoulder to his. “I think I can speak for everyone in saying we’d all appreciate it.” He grinned at her. Disarmed her.

Hailey looked down a bit as she thought about what he was saying. Her voice was soft when she spoke. “I don’t know if I can Jay….I don’t really know what I want,” she told him honestly, looking lost, her voice a near whisper. “I don’t know how I got here.”

Jay was quiet. She was talking to him, letting him back in and even if it was just an inch he’d take it. He moved a bit closer to her, wanting to put his arm around her but making himself not. Instead he clasped his fingers together and straightened his arms out a little in front of him.

“There’s this thing,” he began quietly, strongly. “where you go somewhere and talk to someone. You can be completely honest, and angry, and neurotic, and sad, say whatever you want, even if it sounds insane…and this person just listens to you, helps sort out the stuff in your head that’s too hard to do alone.” She pulled away just an inch and looked at him. “I know, right? It sounds crazy but it’s a thing.” He assured her, a bemused smile on his face. “I did it a while back. Kinda helped. It’s called therapy. My partner suggested it.” He paused before continuing. “And, I’m really glad she did. If I hadn’t, I don’t know that I’d even be here. I know she wouldn’t have been my partner for this long for sure. And she definitely wouldn’t have become” he inhaled before finishing, “my best friend.”

The tears had been threatening while Jay had been talking and now were on the verge of falling. Hailey couldn’t hold them back and she put her hand to her eyes, blowing out a breath. “Jay, I don’t want to go.” she confessed quietly.

“I know.” He ventured to close the inch she’d moved and took the risk of putting an arm around her, pulling her in to him. Without thinking, Jay gave a soft kiss to the crown of her head, taking in the scent of her shampoo, knowing he would always remember this moment. He waited a second, for the panic to set in, for the instinct to jump up, move away from her. But all he felt was calm. He spoke in to her hair. “I know…but you will. And you’ll be strong, and work hard and I bet kick a little ass.” He felt her body as she let out a quick laugh. “And when you come back, you’ll be that much closer to being back on track, and then…” He took in a deep breath as Hailey pulled herself up and looked at him, wanting him to tell her. “we’ll figure it out. Cuz we’re partners.” He smiled, making it all sound so simple. So easy.

Hailey felt like she’d stopped breathing but without being uncomfortable about it, without feeling like she was suffocating. She felt secure and grounded, she felt cared for. Jay hadn’t come in yelling or accusing or demanding. He came in as her friend, all in, and she hadn’t realized how much she’d missed it. Missed him. More tears fell gently, taking away her voice. She just nodded, hoping he understood that yeah, she was in. She would try. She leaned and let her head find another place at his shoulder. She felt like she had just taken a step out of the dust and back toward the pavement. All it took was Jay.

They sat like that for a while, him with an arm around her, and Hailey allowing herself to be held. In easy silence.

She was the first to speak again. “I don’t know how I got here Jay.” She shook her head.

“You’ll figure it out” he assured her.

It was crazy, Hailey realized, but she believed him. For months she felt like there was a chasm between them and here at the last minute before she was leaving the two sides pushed together and she felt close to him again. And she didn’t feel scared. It was strange for her how just like that her feelings could change. _Her feelings_ , she realized. She’d opened up to him, just a bit, been honest, and her feelings came out. And it hadn’t hurt. It made her feel close to him. Connected. Seizing the moment and feeling courageous, Hailey sat up straight again, turned a bit, and looked at Jay.

Holding her was such an amazing feeling. He was nearly lost in it, lost in the fact that he’d chosen correctly when deciding how to come to her tonight. He didn’t care about being right, only that the tactic was the right one. He’d been able to scratch the surface and see the Hailey he knew. She was still there. He’d fight like hell to bring her back and keep her. Then Hailey moved and put her clear blue eyes directly on his, and he was nearly lost again.

Hailey moved forward slowly, watching him, gauging his reactions. He just watched her, coming closer. Until she was _soclose_ , and he closed his eyes as her lips grazed his cheek. “Thank you” she whispered.

Jay opened his eyes slowly and tried to slow his breathing, his eyes back on her. His voice, when he found it, came out husky and low. “Always. I got you.”

Hailey nodded. She believed him.

They sat quietly again for a while before Hailey wiped her eyes once more and looked around, sighing deeply and speaking in a rueful tone. “I still have to finish this.” She moved her hands around, indicating the packing.

“Let’s do it.” Jay was here to help, like he’d said.

She squinted at him, shaking her head lightly. “Jay, it’s late.”

“So? I told you. Partners. Here to help.”

Hailey blinked a few times, before accepting his help. “Okay then. But I’m starting over. You’re right about the suits.”

“Mmm hmmm, suit.city,” he repeated from earlier.

Within an hour, Hailey was down to just 2 bags filled with things she’d need in New York. The clock on her nightstand read 2:14am. She ran a hand through her hair. “It’s really late.” she said apologetically as she looked at Jay.

“What time is your flight?”

“11:40”

“Not too bad. You can sleep in a little” he smiled.

Hailey’s face fell a bit as she realized he was getting ready to leave. There were words she wanted to say but took a moment to swirl them around, making sure they tasted ok before letting them go.

“Can I-” she hesitated. “Can I ask you to do something?” she asked haltingly.

He looked at her expectantly so she continued. “Would you stay?....here. ….tonight…..with me?”

“Hailey..,” he said her name so softly.

“I don’t want to say good bye to you” she told him truthfully, quietly. “Not yet” she shook her head.

He eyed the bed then looked back to her. “Just sleep” she said, small voiced.

The thought of sleeping beside Hailey was a new one. He’d often thought of kissing her, touching her…but sleeping was new. Given their talks in here tonight, in her bedroom with the door closed, where it felt like it was just the 2 of them in the world, he’d never felt closer to anyone. This almost just felt like a natural extension of that.

“Y’sure?”

She nodded.

“Okay. But I don’t have—“

She cut him off. “It’s okay”

She gave Jay an extra toothbrush and she changed in to a t shirt and sleep shorts. Hailey slipped under her blankets, and a few moments later the light went off. She felt the mattress dip on the other side under Jay’s weight.

Hailey lay on her side facing the wall while Jay was on his back. Both of them aware of the person next to them and unsure of how to move.

“I’m glad you stayed,” Hailey whispered in the dark.

He smiled at the ceiling. “C’mere”

She turned over and moved to him, head this time resting against his chest as her body cradled his side. Jay’s arm moved around her. It was different but not uncomfortable. Not awkward like he worried it might be. It felt right.

“Jay,” she lifted her head a bit, finding him in the dark. “are you still wearing jeans?”

“It’s all I have” he shrugged a bit.

She doubted he could see her eyeroll in the dark but she did it anyway. “Take em off.”

Jay couldn’t help but chuckle. “I think I’m offended…?” Then, “y’sure?”

“Just do it.” 

Cool air hit her and the bed rose as she heard the jingling of his belt then the sliding down of his jeans. When he slid back under she could feel the coolness of his legs with her toes.

“See? Just like shorts” she teased lightly. She moved so that her head lay against his chest, her eyes glancing up to make sure it was ok before settling back against him.

It was quiet except for the sound of breathing. Jay desperately hoped that what he was about to say wouldn’t screw it all. “Hailey?” he whispered.

“Mm?”

“I’m gonna ask you something,” he warned her gently. He felt eyelashes flutter against his chest and fought against the shiver he felt. She didn’t respond, just waited.

“What happened—what happened for Voight to do this?” He knew it must have been something.

Hailey didn’t respond at first. He knew that she heard him so gave her time.

Finally there was a whisper. “I don’t want to tell you,” she confessed. “but I also don’t want you not to know.” She didn’t move from her spot on him, hoped she wouldn’t have to. As if Jay heard her thoughts he tightened his grip on her a bit. He wouldn’t let her go.

A bit more of a wait before she told him. “Gael was arrested tonight. For possession. I…I planted product in his car. Tipped patrol.”

There was a moment of silence above her while he processed what she said. She felt his deep exhalation. “well…shit.” He hadn’t loosened his arm around her, though. “Why?”

“Does it matter?” she whispered. But he’d asked so she’d answer. “I just—Luis lost the deal since we couldn’t get Gael. It seemed like a win-win. A major player off the street, and Luis, he’d get a break.”

Again more silence above her. Hailey didn’t dare to lift her head.

Jay had been replaying her words, imagining her actions. He could feel her worry beneath him, waiting for his reaction. He didn’t know what to say. This was big, he knew. But the part of him that had been under Voight’s tutelage for so many years also knew that she was in the clear. What she’d done was wrong no doubt, but she’d been smart about it at least. Otherwise, Voight wouldn’t be sending her to the feds of all places, he’d be prepping her with her FOP lawyer. They’d seen him do these things, heard about even worse. But no one had ever practiced what he preached before.

Jay relaxed his grip for just a second as he readjusted, feeling Hailey stiffen. But then he brought her closer to him, one arm around her and the other smoothing the hair away from her face.

“No more,” he told her quietly. “Seriously. You can’t….I can’t…….just no more.”

Her body relaxed even as she heard his words. She nodded into him. “No more” she whispered in agreement.

She was warm and at ease again, feeling safe with her head on Jay’s chest, feeling the rise and fall of his breathing, his arm around her. A line had definitely been crossed tonight but she didn’t remember feeling it or worrying about it. It had just felt natural. He lay beneath her and she was close to him, feeling the softness of his t-shirt, the firmness of his body, smelling his scent. There were lines to cross that were freeing, that led to happiness. She fervently hoped that the one she and Jay had crossed tonight, would lead to those things.

As she lay there, all of the worries Hailey had felt about who she was becoming, who she’d been, right now they all seemed manageable. Laying like this she was the most content she could ever remember being. As she drifted off she realized that this too should be odd, strange, sleeping with Jay in her bed, his arm draped around her with her on his chest. But again, it didn’t. It felt right and real and like it had always been this way at night in her bed.

Jay lay on his back, propped up slightly against Hailey’s pillows, arm around her, keeping her safe, fingertips dancing from her arm to her shoulder. He listened to her breathing, noticed when it evened out, when she’d fallen asleep.

He thought back to earlier in the night when he’d gotten the call from Vanessa. She’d tried and failed to control her level of upset.

_“Jay, it’s Vanessa. Listen, I don’t know if you know what’s going on but you need to get over here. Fast” The words had tumbled out quickly._

_“Vanessa, slow down,” he’d told her. “What’s going on?”_

_“I’m not exactly sure, I don’t have the details but Hailey’s packing. Sarge is sending her to work with the feds in New York.”_

_“The wh-, where?” He heard the words but they didn’t make sense in his brain. He waited until she repeated them then tried to clarify. “Wait, Voight is sending Hailey to NY? To work with the feds?”_

_When she confirmed that he hadn’t made up what she’d said, he asked, “Why? When?” He was grabbing his coat, looking for his keys._

_“I don’t know, she didn’t get in to all of it. But she’s upset. I don’t think this was a good thing.”_

_“I’m on my way,” he told her, hanging up. Adam’s words from earlier rang in his ears, Voight had been looking for her. What the fuck had happened?_

_During the drive over he went over his options of how to talk to Hailey, find out what was going on. If she’d had a meeting with their boss and this had been the end result, well that would explain her not texting or calling him back earlier. What he needed to do was figure out how to approach her about it. He was pretty sure he knew how Voight’s delivery had gone so he knew to avoid that method. He’d thought of a few options but settled on the easiest. He’d go in as her friend. No recriminations, no cause for her to go on guard. He’d simply be her friend, the best one he could be._

Closing his eyes to sleep he realized it was the best decision he’d ever made.

In the morning, Jay woke feeling warm and rested. Soft light was filtered through the wide slatted blinds in the window giving the room a hazy feel. He looked around the unfamiliar bedroom then to the blonde beside him. He’d slept with Hailey, he realized, chuckling a bit as he stretched lightly.

The slight movement roused Hailey and as she woke, became aware of the solid figure beside her, the warmth, and she remembered. Jay. She looked up at him with a sleepy smile and murmured, “morning.”

“Hi” he returned, also with a smile.

“You sleep okay?” she asked, forcing herself faster through her wake up process. She shifted upward, sitting with her back against the headboard, pulling her shirt down a bit.

His eyebrows rose a bit in surprise as he answered. “Yeah. Great actually.” It was true, he realized. No nightmares, no waking in the middle of the night as he sometimes did. He’d slept well, maybe the best that he could remember. He too shifted upwards so that they sat shoulder to shoulder.

“It’s too early.”

“For what?” she asked, looking down at her shirt.

“All the thinking you’re doing.”

Her eyes rose to him and she smiled, huffed out a small laugh. “Busted.” she agreed, taking a deep breath. She spoke quietly. “Just thinking that today’s the day. Today I leave.”

Jay’s heart sank a bit. It was. As natural and wonderful as last night, and so far this morning, had been, he realized it would end today. He’d played confident and optimistic for Hailey but the thought of her being gone for weeks coupled with where she was going, who she’d been working for, made him feel cold and alone. He’d already lived this once. Didn’t want to do it again.

When he didn’t respond she looked back to him. “Now who’s thinking too much?”

“Not me,” he demurred. “I can’t think without coffee.”

“That explains a lot,” she lightly teased. “Think you can work the Keurig?”

“Mm, I think I can figure it out.”

“Ok, then I’m gonna grab a shower. Meet you downstairs in 15?”

He nodded and watched her move out of the bed, leaving a coolness beside him making him immediately miss the warmth. She was by the bathroom door when she turned back to him. “Jay?” she called softly. “Thank you. For staying last night. For staying with me.”

He wasn’t sure how to respond. _You’re welcome_ wasn’t appropriate and neither was _No problem._

“I’ll always be here.” is what he went with, softly, intensely. Wanted to add _for you_ but didn’t.

She watched him a moment before gifting him a smile. “I know.” It wasn’t said with smugness or sass, or even acceptance. She’d said it with sincere gratitude, warmth…love. As she turned into the bathroom and closed the door the word rattled through her again, love. She’d need to tell Jay. Wanted to now. But the day she was leaving didn’t seem right. But she’d tell him. Soon. She knew she would.

Showered and dressed, hair hanging damp, Hailey made her way to the kitchen, and found Jay sitting at the island sipping from a steaming mug. He pushed another one to her, also steaming.

“I like this service,” she grinned. “No Vanessa?” she asked, raising the mug to her lips.

“Nope, but she left you this.” He pushed a folder paper with her name on the front toward her. She flipped it open and read _Kick ass and come back soon. I’ll miss you! V._

“Hm,” she murmured as she read it and smiled, closing it back up. She looked over to him. “What time do you have to be in?”

“I took the morning--taking you to the airport. Already cleared it.”

“You didn’t have to do that-“ she began.

He fake groaned. “Are we really going to do this?”

The grin spread across Hailey’s face despite her trying to stop it. “No,” she answered, giving up. “Thank you.” Accepting the offer graciously.

She walked around with her coffee, taking a seat beside him. “Feel like I’m thanking you a lot lately.”

He scoffed. “Well maybe you’re just finally just realizing all of my amazing contributions.”

“Yeah, that’s what it is,” she scoffed back. She was quiet before letting her head fall against Jay’s shoulder. His arm reaching around and holding her.

“Is this our new thing?” she asked, quietly.

Jay chuckled. “No,” he answered easily. “Just a new part.”

Hailey didn’t respond immediately but when she did she said simply, “I like it.”

“Yeah,” Jay agreed. “It’s ok…”

Hailey sat up straight and looked at him, teasingly angry. “Jerk”

“Made you smile.”

She let that one roll around her mind, her heart for a second. “Yeah,” she conceded. “you did.”

These would be the memories Hailey took with her as she left for New York. Jay helping her pack, quiet talks in the dark, morning coffee in the quiet of the house. She replayed him helping her with her bags, riding in his truck, a long hug, tight with hearts pounding, as she smiled at him.

“See you soon?” she asked.

“Very soon,” he answered quietly. “Go show ‘em how we do it in Chicago.”

She smiled at him, for him.

“And I’ll be right here when you get back.”


End file.
